10 Ways To Carry On Smoking

Smoking kills. So it's pretty hard to keep going when the NHS are on your back, coughing and wafting the air. Here are 10 easy ways to keep smoking so that you don't have to start wearing patches and look like you are a member of The Borg.
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1) Blow smoke in to the faces of others. - This means that people will avoid you, meaning that if they want to give you "advice" about your beloved habit, they'll have to fucking shout. And that's tiring.

2) Trade patches for cigarettes. - Like us, you are probably sick of people telling you to swap those cancer sticks for patches. Instead, get some free patches from the chemists and trade them with people who want to give up. This way, you get free cigarettes. The best trading grounds are schools and hospitals.

3) Be creative. - Changing Rooms once did a special on smoking called "Changing Fumes" which was unfortunately only shown at 10am when all of the smokers were still asleep. They scientifically proved that if you wrap your cigarette packet in some nice magnolia wallpaper then instead of poisonous fumes, you would in fact be smoking a homely, cinnamon room fragrance. So get creative and decorate those packets.

Top Tip: Write the word "Fruit Salad" onto the packet to get some added vitamin C.

4) Think of yourself as an actor. - Have you ever heard of an actor getting a smoking related disease? No. That would be absurd. Yet, in films they are always smoking. Even cartoons smoke. So as long as you fulfil your daily tasks with gusto and possibly use an exotic accent, then you'll be fine.

5) There is no smoke without politics. - This is not actually how the saying goes, but it sounded right didn't it? So tell people that you are making a political statement. Mention the amount of people who die from alcohol and maybe include traffic statistics, saying that you might get hit by a car tomorrow. This is a tremendously effective political argument. If an MP had mentioned this in 2007 then we would still probably be able to smoke in pubs and nurseries.

If you have a moustache, shave it. If you don't, brilliant. You're half way there. Now, buy a fake moustache. Whenever a non-smoker approaches, stick on the moustache and keep smoking.

6) Hide. - In WW2, whenever the soldiers wanted to smoke without being hassled by their non-smoking companions, they would camouflage themselves as a party or something else fun. It is a well known fact that non-smokers avoid fun situations in case they find themselves sucking all enjoyment from it. Coincidentally, this is how the armed forces discovered the use of camouflage. Until then, people had to actually become trees which was not productive.

7) Meet them halfway. - If by this stage you are still getting some verbal earache from people who supposedly love you, meet them half way. Buy one of those shit inhalers. Then put it in the end of a cigarette. Depending on who's around, you can change it around to give the impression you are trying to give up. As soon as the health brigade leave, turn it back around and hey presto. You're smoking. It's like something Bond would have.

8) Moustaches. - Hear me out. If you have a moustache, shave it. If you don't, brilliant. You're half way there. Now, buy a fake moustache. Whenever a non-smoker approaches, stick on the moustache and keep smoking. They'll be all like, "Although that looks like Dave, he has recently shaved his moustache. So I think that must be Freddy Mercury. Who is allowed to smoke because he's amazing." Follow this up with a rendition of "Don't Stop Me Now" for appearances.

9) Adapt - Not fooled by the moustache? Don't worry. There is one device that actually makes you start smoking. A leather jacket. Buy a leather jacket and grease up your hair a little. Even non-smokers will look at you and understand why you smoke 40 a day. They'll probably be so sympathetic they'll give you money to buy more cigarettes.

10) Lie. - If you have some sort of eagle-eyed friend who isn't fooled by an ingenious disguise, then you're just going to have to lie. Tell them it's a pen and you are holding it for a friend. If they look like they are about to contest this, punch them in the face.

So there we have it. If you do all of these things, then you will definitely be able to keep smoking. Possibly in prison. But we didn't make any fucking promises about the location.

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