As December has now arrived and the festive season is thrust upon us it marks another season of goodwill, good food and great parties. Strangers no longer shy away from random acts of kindness and people take the time to appreciate the important things in life. It’s also the time of year when you have to buy a fucking Secret Santa present for someone you work with who you barely know, or at the very least heavily dislike. I can’t say I have a great track record at buying Secret Santa presents, the year I bought my Nazi MD a ‘ball scratcher’ wasn’t one of my career highlights, particularly when he stopped all work in the office and demanded the culprit revealed themselves… (not like that, he was a Nazi not a nympho.) As my random act of kindness this year, as I know how stressful it can be, I thought I'd give my Top 10 run down of the best Secret Santa gifts you can get for around a tenner. You can thank me by buying me nothing from the below list.
No.10 Edible Strawberry Flavoured Dildo
As well as doing the splits, one of my very few talents is the ability to spot a virgin a mile off… surprisingly these two talents have never been used at the same time. Every office has a virgin; it’s normally that young intern or grad that gets a little bit too twitchy when you suck on the end of your biro during the morning meeting. (Not that I would EVER do that.) Why not pay them back for all the times they’ve uncomfortably stared at your tits by buying them a HUGE edible dildo. As well as making them feel inadequate and comparing their penis to a sweet, you can guarantee that sticky delight will be thrust into their mouth by numerous members of the highly-hetro-but-secretly-turned-on-by-touching-men’s-cocks sales team at the Christmas party. It’s a win win gift.
No.9 Breathalyzer Test
The office Christmas party is known for getting even the most shy office girl off her tits and up on the karaoke by 8.15pm so what could be more fun than to give the office do-gooder a breathalyzer test to use on everyone before they try and get in their cars to drive home!! (I only recommend getting this if you fucking hate everyone you work with.)
I can’t say I have a great track record at buying Secret Santa presents, the year I bought my Nazi MD a ‘ball scratcher’ wasn’t one of my career highlights
No.8 Pac Man Mug
Geeks, nerds and ‘ironically retro-cool’ folk adorn office IT departments everywhere and there is no better retro video game to get their electrical pulses racing than Pac Man. This ol’school mug requires no more than hot water to make the little yellow critters appear in their classic maze. It is a tad annoying that they don’t move around like the actual game; but it’s also a tad annoying that you work with someone who appreciates this mug.
No.7 GIANT PEN
Offices have their fair share of different shapes and sizes but there’s always one person that’s a butt-load shorter than everyone else. You know, the one that’s so short that you try and get them to stand next to everyday objects to work out if they hit the legal requirements of a dwarf whilst taking photos and sending them to your friends. In order to give super ‘lols’ to those in the office who take the piss out of them, why not get them a huge, oversized pen to make their teeny tiny hands look… err… teeny and tiny-er-rer. Nothing like a bit of heightest public humiliation to make a memorable Christmas party.
No.6 Personalized Pride and Prejudice
Is your office awash with romance and debauchery? Is there an unspoken affair that is secretly communicated via EVERYONE on instant messenger? Are you a little fed up with it all and think it’s about time it was brought to a head whilst secretly jealous that you’re not getting any action? Fear no more! You can now out your slutty colleagues in style by simply customizing the classic love story by Jane Austen and replacing the infamous characters with the office whores. Nothing says ‘I hate you for shagging my boss’ more than the gift of classic literature.
Nothing says ‘I hate you for shagging my boss’ more than the gift of classic literature.
No. 5 Martin ‘Loofah’ King
In my humble opinion there aren’t enough American civil-rights hero bathroom accessories around and ‘Martin Loofah King’ is a leader in this somewhat niche marketplace. I’d recommend you get this for the guy that orders in the native-broken-English-accent of the restaurant at business dinners and still thinks words from, ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ are acceptable.
No. 4 Wheelie-bin Desk Tidy
Without stereotyping, if someone is going to be the office Hitler and send the ‘please-remember-to-recycle-give-blood-charity-bike-ride-wash-up-your-fucking-coffe-cups’ emails it’s normally someone in bloody-H-sodding-R. If, like me, sometimes that kind of person SLIGHTLY gets under your skin… why not show them how seriously you take recycling by giving them this handy ‘Wheelie Bin Desk Tidy.’ It’s sure to get them off your back and into their good books… at least until that court case comes to a head.
No. 3 Retirement Countdown Clock
This gift is perfectly suited to the miserable cow that's been there longer than the company and spends everyday trying to drag everyone around them into the black hole that is their life. You can give this gift to them knowing that they will now use this not only for a countdown until they retire, but a countdown UNTIL THEY DIE, probably of misery. If that’s possible.
No. 2 “Tow-Nutz”
This is a gift that would perfectly suit the office ‘verbert.’ This is a term I created many years ago for the guy that verbally ‘pervs’ on you with no regard to how unattractive he is (not that I’m shallow) or how unprofessional he is (not that I’m professional.) He’s normally the one that drives his 5-door-salesman-saloon with his foot a little heavy on the gas, and his eyes a little heavy on himself in the mirror. As the description says, this is the perfect gift for the guy with ‘too much testosterone’ and nothing says that like a giant pair of bollocks hanging off your back bumper.
This is the perfect gift for the guy with ‘too much testosterone’ and nothing says that like a giant pair of bollocks hanging off your back bumper.
No.1 World Record Making Balloon Set
Secret Santa gifts are often quite limited in their use and the novelty lasts as long as the Christmas party hangover. If you happen to pick out the person in the office who’s a little shy and who could do with a little reputation boost, why not buy them a present that could turn them into a super impressive world record holder. That’s right… you could provide them with the tools they need to make THE WORLD’S FASTEST-MADE BALLOON DOG. EVER… (if they have the natural dexterity). It’s world records like this that change lives. If I met a guy who held that record… the first thought I’d have wouldn’t be, ‘oh, he can blow up a balloon really quickly.’ My first thought would be, ‘Crazy finger skills.’ He won’t be able to thank you enough.
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