16 Things My Dad Told Me That Were Quite Simply Untrue

From the importance of big arms to the gender of Martina Navaritolova, the wisdom my old man passed on to me was by and large useless.
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1. If we get a landline, people will just keep calling us and asking for favours.

When the landline eventually came in September 1990 and winter failed to herald the inevitable requests for favours over the phone, we began to receive a flurry of favour requesting anonymous calls from a man with a rather curious accent.

2. Martina Navaritolova was born a man.

3. The 14" portable colour TV was the future.

4. If you tuck yourself in too tightly at night, women may suspect you're a homosexual.

5. Never move next door to old people. If no one's seen them for days, it'll fall to you to break into the flat to see what's happened. No woman will stay with you when the horrific flashbacks come to you at night.

6. If a woman leaves you, recall her worst habits, everything. Doing so will see you recover from the loss within a fortnight.

7. Once you allow a woman to decide which sliced bread you're having, you cede the running of the house to her.

8. Lorenzo Lamas is an under rated actor and Renegade was a great show.

9. Having big arms will prevent a woman from leaving you sooner.

10. If something happened to him (Dad), I'd do little to find out what had gone wrong. Handing out missing posters when he disappeared disproves that (though admittedly I did go for the cheaper printing deal offered to me by Kall Kwik on Vauxhall Bridge Road so I could use the spare cash to visit a girl in Brighton) as did breaking in through his fourth floor window.*

12. By the whole family sleeping in the same room, we'd grow closer in a way that more distant English families wouldn't comprehend.

13. Placing newspapers to plug the draughts on our windows would help keep our reading abilities at a high level.

14. A woman who walks barefoot around the house is likely to pick up infections and exhibit similar carefree tendencies with other areas of her body.

15. It is still possible to remain in your college class even after making a pass at your lecturer. (It isn't. I had to take the final months of my English A Level at an evening school)

16. Eventually your lecturer will see the funny side of a kid 15 years younger than her asking her out and come to admire the sheer audacity of it. (She didn't. I had to retake my A Level the following year at a different college)

*Regular readers and listeners will be aware that though I did make a daring break in through my dad's window, the bed sit was located on the first floor.

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