20 Sex Tips For Women

If you call me a pussy ANYWHERE – or question that I’m not in fact ‘a man’ – you’ll never even see my bedroom (or my immaculate Egyptian cotton bedding, which just feels so soft, babes...)
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1. Everyone is not bisexual. Please don’t pretend you are because you’ve heard all men get off on it. We know they’re faking, and it’s OK – porn’s just a prop, after all. IRL, however, we don’t want you to pretend you’re a ‘trysexual’. We quite like that you fancy dudes. It works out well for us.

2. Dirty talk is completely necessary. Please tell us you like our bodies. You don’t need to exaggerate – we realise it’s not just like hopping on top of Dirk’s giant Diggler – but do flatter. We won’t get a big head. OK we might...AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?

3. If you like it rough, tell us up front – in fact, preferably in the pub earlier. We’re not going to try even an unsolicited tug of the hair, not in today’s ‘PC gone mad’ climate. No, sir.

4. If we shave our pubes, it’s because we think you like it. OK FINE, it’s because we want it to look bigger. Happy now? Give us a break. You started the ‘does size matter?’ debate, and never even had the common decency to answer your own question. (It’s a yes, BTW. We might look stupid, especially with our shorn ball sacks, but we’ve done a pretty good job of running the planet for the last few hundred thousand years. OK, bad example...)

5. Oral sex is not a trade off, or a perennial game of one-upmanship. Don’t do it to get it, or assume that’s what we’re doing. We’re not. We’re trying to turn you on. In fact, remember that last bit – because it’s essentially true of most blokes. Bear it in mind before you get all high and mighty about how shit we are. We’re trying – and not in the way you are ... AM I RIGHT, FELLAS? (Sorry. That’s the last time...)

6. It’s not cool to be put off by one or more of our body parts. If you wanted us to suck your toes, we would. If we like our left ear smothered in British mustard and licked within an inch of its life just grab the ham, OK? What, just me? FML...

7. You are as in control of your orgasm as we are ours. This is one of the most over-looked aspects of contemporary consummation; the implication being, a pissed up chimpanzee could get us off with a quick yank or three, whereas you’re like that same chimp dismantling a Formula 1 car and putting it back together using only a moderately-sized banana. Guide us, encourage us, but take control of your orgasm – or, failing that, meet us halfway. We have to try sometimes too, you know.

8. Apropos of the above, please don’t fake it. Crap or not, we like nothing more than a challenge. As D:Ream said: ‘Things, can only get better...’

9. Be clear on what you like and dislike. We’ve got nothing to go on other than porn and lads’ mags, or pub talk with mates – almost all of which is hyperbole that starts along the lines of ‘I was fisting this bird with factor 15 suncream’, actually, I think that was a true story. As per the above, we just want to impress. Help us, help you.

10. I’m not going to mince my words on this one: do not put my old man in a death grip and pull it so furiously that it feels like being trapped in a threshing machine. Don’t hold on for dear life. I’m lying flat on your futon. I’m going nowhere – for at least three minutes ... AM I RIGHT, LADIES

11. Look, we can’t tell if you like anal or not, so when we timorously move our fingers then tongue towards the, erm, greyarea just a quick ‘mmm’ or ‘GET THE FUCK OFF’ will do. We won’t take it personally

12. No man wants to lose his head mid-job – and for the lucky ones it’ll never come up. (Or go down.) But sometimes we’re just not feeling it, or we’re over-thinking – or that thing you’re doing, well, it’s just not ... well ... IT FEELS LIKE WRONG. Don’t take it to heart. Just imagine we’ve been working hard as opposed to refreshing your Facebook wall all day, and give us the benefit of the doubt that we need five minutes. Put the kettle on or something. (That was a joke. Then again, seeing as you’re up...)

13. Make sure you actually own condoms. The ring in the wallet is not a good look, though we rock it anyway. Remember: assumption makes an ass out of u and me. And maybe a baby, too.

14. Drunk sex is not better than no sex.  There’s always the morning.

15. Speaking of which – don’t be surprised by the first thing farts or morning breath, or just the weird smell in the room. We. Are. Men. Unlike you, we stink.

16. Finger-banging: make up your goddamn minds.

17. When you’re giving head, and contrary to popular folklore, we’re not obliged to warn you that we’re about to blow. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. (Notwithstanding that second unfortunate domestic analogy, by ‘heat’ I mean ‘taste of semen’ and by ‘out of the kitchen’ I mean, you get it.. Obvs.)

18.As per the above, make sure you kiss us when we’ve been down on you – foamy moustache or not. It works both ways, you know.

19.The most important thing on a date is indeed a good sense of humour, but the most important thing in bed is that you’re neither selfish nor mean. Relax, and be nice. We’ll both have fun, which is all that matters.

20. And finally, any man who's not a complete douchebag will only ever judge you on your number in terms of being intimidated – not because he thinks you’re morally corrupt. It’s 2011. He doesn’t want to be your worst, that’s all. Assume he will be, and he might just surprise you.

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