Hell, the world is a depressing place. When I watch the news I’m depressed – everything is going to get worse: your job, your life, your face – when I look at my child I’m depressed, not because there’s a two inch deep magma of snot welded to her innocent nose that I’m going to have to scratch off with an old hanky, but because in 20 years there’ll be three jobs left and 20 million applicants. Two of them will be data entry, the other prime minister. And when it’s cold I’m depressed.
But then I thought “hey, it’s not so bad”. Here are five reasons why:
1. Christmas shopping will be much easier once the economy collapses
Word is living standards are going to fall so fast the vast majority of people will soon be sharing overcrowded slums with gin-soaked prostitutes. Christmas will involve 18 members of the same family huddled in a 10x10 room - in which they all also sleep, wee and make dinner - singing Do They Know It’s Christmas? And thank the Lord, because that’s how He would have liked it. No tasteless piles of garishly wrapped tat that nobody needs, no eating as though you’re a small country and no watching Harry Potter, you’ll have sold the TV to buy a cabbage. Here’s the best bit though, since nobody will have a job, and therefore any money, you won’t be able to go Christmas shopping. Even if you wanted to your local Westfield will have erected electric fences to keep people like you out. Hallelujah! It’ll be one present each, and Amazon will deliver those to your hovel, because the internet will still be working. Obviously.
2. Your children will inherit the earth – not you
That’s the great thing about dying, you’re not around to witness the horrendous legacy you’ve left your offspring. And the next generation will be dealing with a build-up of economic and environmental fuck-uppery that goes back decades. So you can sleep easy in the knowledge that it might be bad but at least you’re not younger.
Glorious cricket! We’re the best in the world at it, well at least one of its manifestations (Test matches – if you have no idea what that means, don’t worry just press on)
3. Humans used to roast each other alive
Microwaving a doughnut and idiotically squirting hot jam down your chin really hurts. Imagine that all over your body. Ooo, ouch, ouch. Apparently one particularly cruel ancient punishment involved roasting criminals (people who believed the earth wasn’t flat that sort of thing) in a hollow brass bull. Just for fun a little opening in the bull’s mouth would emit a mooing sound every time the villain screamed. Comedy gold, right? We’ve come a long way since then (this might contradict point two slightly, but in times of crisis throwing logic out of the window is OK).
4. Germany has taken over Europe without all that pushing and shoving (otherwise known as World War II)
This maybe sketchy on the details but, basically, the Eurozone is going to become one big country called Germany. So Angela Merkel has achieved way more than Hitler without any of that messy invading countries business and silly shouting. Thankfully Germans are a lot nicer these days and will have everything shipshape in no time. Obviously Britain won’t be involved, nobody tells us what to do. Unless you’re America.
5. There’ll always be posh English villages
Cobbled streets, old people, real ale, horse and carts, permanently unlocked doors – these places do exist, you may have seen them in adverts for Hovis or a Wallace & Gromit documentary. It’s where rich people buy second homes – you know that 1% those terribly dressed campers outside St Paul’s keep banging on about. You’ll never be able to afford to live there and they’re not keen on outsiders so I wouldn’t visit if I were you. But just knowing places exist where nothing bad ever happens is comforting, right?
6. You’re getting six for the price of five
Ha, so I said five reasons, but nothing is more uplifting than getting something for nothing, so here’s an extra one…
Give or take Britain has six strings to its bow: outrage, village fetes, jet engines, marketing, bagless vacuums and cricket. The thing is every nation in the world is good at outrage; once you’ve done the tombola the fete has nothing left to offer; engines are edging us towards environmental oblivion and marketing is like pushing an electronic whisk into your brain and clicking it to the “extreme violence” setting. That leaves Dyson and cricket. And I hate cleaning. But cricket. Glorious cricket! We’re the best in the world at it, well at least one of its manifestations (Test matches – if you have no idea what that means, don’t worry just press on). This is a very rare and great thing. So it’s just bat and ball in jumpers, so only three men in Surrey care, so you can count the number of countries that play it on three hands. So, so, so, it’s still a great British achievement. And if you’ve just lost your job and house that’s no doubt a real tonic.
Still depressed? I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.
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