Yes, things are expensive! I’m not even going to pretend I understand about the economy or politics but I do know that saving money is a good thing. A potato is a potato wherever you get it from, so if one is cheaper than the other, it makes sense to put it in your shopping trolly. The potato may not be the prettiest, it may not be the most symmetrical and it may not have been roaming free around its pen – but you’re only going to mash it up with a bit of metal and shove it in your mouth with a steak and ale pie anyway.
In contradiction, this theory of life should not be applied to everything on your shopping list. There are certain everyday items that you, under no circumstances, should be buying with your coppers. It’s not snobbery – it’s practicality.
1. Toilet paper
Before I left home my mum told me that you should NEVER scrimp on toilet paper. The reasons why may not be endless, but they are obvious: buy one-ply paper and you will get shit on your hand.
One-ply toilet paper is so fragile I imagine only Disney princesses use it. Yes, of course you can fold the paper as many times as you want (though I believe 7 times is actually the maximum you can fold any piece of paper) but that means you use it up quicker. You may as well just buy good quality paper, which is a small investment that will pay off in the long term. I got an A in Business Studies.
2. Black bin bags
An often overlooked household utility, but there is nothing worse than tying a knot at the top of the trash filled bag, carrying it through the house and leaving a trail of week-old doner kebab and Super Noodles behind you like a contaminated, slapdash Hansel and Gretel. It’s rubbish for a reason. You don’t want it on the floor in your house. The cheapest big bags are about 0.5mm thick and offer ZERO support for any of your chores. Touching these bags also lead to touching shit, so do the right thing – buy quality.
3. Facial Wipes
Everyone’s dermatological needs are different. I understand that. But buying cheap facial wipes, washes and moisturisers is never the correct option. Spending a little extra on a dedicated brand that exists to serve your face can help you avoid waking up like a puffer fish the colour of a Starbucks cup at Christmas. Don’t put bad stuff on your face and you will look young for a very long time.
People who buy the cheapest condoms out there are like people who swim with sharks – it’s a pleasant experience but there’s always a chance you’ll end up regretting your poorly informed choices, perhaps covered in blood. Cheap condoms are usually too tight, too loose, too oily, too dry, too smelly, too thin, too thick, too susceptible to infections and too keen to let the sperm fertilise the egg. I don’t think anyone wants any of this.
Store-brand vodka is cheap so you don’t mind necking half a litre in a mad rush when the taxi arrives at your front door after pre-drinks. “TAXI’S HERE, EVERYONE GET OUT,” you shout to your mates, whilst you have no idea of the potential medical emergency you have brewing in your stomach.
You wake up 6 hours later in a puddle of cheesy chips vomit that smells like Jägermeister and you can only blame your stingy shopping habits the previous day.
It may be some sort of placebo affect but the brand of vodka 100% affects my mood. If I’m drinking cheap vodka and cherryade at a house party, you will not want to socialise with me. I will be the worst type of person. But expensive alcohol in pretty bottles immediately makes me aware of my limits and makes me feel proper. It’s the correct way to drink.