You’re late, lost or standing over the smouldering wreckage of a priceless family heirloom. You’ve badly ballsed up and now have to pay the proverbial piper. What do you do? What do you say? Every credible excuse has been exhausted, so here’s a selection of excellent alibis and cover stories perfect for any situation.
1. It was the enchiladas.
2. I am rehearsing for a play.
3. I am rehearsing for an avant-garde play.
4. I am rehearsing for a very avant-garde play indeed that features brief nudity and shouting.
5. I may be Australian.
6. It’s a sort of sexual stigmata.
7. No, I own several identical pairs of the item. And that smell is coming from somewhere else that is unconnected.
8. Sorry, I’m allergic to the metal they use in wedding rings.
9. In my country that sign means ‘men’s toilet’.
10. In my country, there are no such mores.
11. Poor night vision, officer. And night hearing also.
12. A dog took it, yes, there was definitely a dog. A dog.
14. It’s a sort of hybrid Buddhist/druid thing.
15. Are you familiar with the condition known as sleep-dredging?
16. Still going through the grieving process. I’m now at stage 9: rampant inaction.
17. Have you read that book Holy Blood, Holy Grail? It was a bit like that.
18. Listen, I don’t think that haircut does you any favours. I’d leave this caravan and sort that out pronto.
19. Wow that was crazy. Just like in the fairy tale. What? What do you mean you didn’t see the bears?
20. Oh, I read your message sarcastically. It wasn’t sarcastic?
21. There was a terrible flood. It got everything, your underwear, everything.
22. I am a maverick Professor and this is a complicated series of experiments.
23. The S stands for sexual? I thought it was a sensationally transmitted disease.
25. They’re all too far away now.
26. Oh he isn’t a jockey? Where are my manners?
27. It doesn’t go that way. Nothing goes that way.
28. No thank you, my religion dictates that this particular practice steals your soul and sends you to our version of hell.
29. I really don’t think that structure will take our combined weight.
30. No batteries, damn.
31. Sorry about all that over there, they think I’m probably borderline bi-polar. And allergic to wet wipes.
32. It says school? I thought it said ‘scuba’.
33. I saw David Bowie and decided to follow him.
34. I had that thing where your eyes seal shut.
35. A foreign form of chapstick temporarily muted me.
36. Crap, did I miss it? That pesky leap year.
37. Sorry, I think I deleted the email. I must have read ‘Birthday Plans’ as ‘Penis Enlargement’.
38. It’s a kind of jury duty that I’m not allowed to talk about or acknowledge.
39. Darren Aronofsky asked me to play the part of ‘Chet’ in his remake of Expresso Bongo.
40. It’s just coming.
41. There’s reason to believe I am the second coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
42. May I be re-seated? I don’t trust that man’s breathing.
43. I can’t let it go, it once belonged to Cher.
44. All the proceeds are going to a home for injured horses.
45. Don’t worry, it will all be obvious when this thing is over.
46. Oh yes, that was my coma year.
47. Are you sure you’re not having a mirage?
48. A power surge may have put that stuff on my phone.
50. You say negligence. I say a breezy outlook on life.
51. I didn’t expect that analogy to be so porny.
52. Define ‘gay’.
53. Oh that? That’s caused by over-zealous ironing.
54. They decided to end it early – a leak from an unspecified gas I believe.
55. Sorry, these are new contact lenses. Yes they are incredibly thin aren’t they?
56. Shabba Ranks was on the concourse.
57. I’m not allowed near children. Not since that whole mascarpone thing.
58. I was inspired by a scene from Dragonslayer.
59. It was a ploy to raise awareness for an unspecified, charitable thing.
60. That sometimes happens when I don’t eat.
61. It was a joke.
62. It was a lie.
63. It was a bet.
64. Oops…erm…happy anniversary baby!
Now you are fully insured against any eventuality. And if the problem you face is not covered by an excuse on the list, either fake a stroke or smile, shrug and scream a few words in your own invented foreign language. Then run. Always run.