A while ago I documented the 8 unquestionable truths as to why being bald is brilliant. Naturally, the world agreed. So here are another 8 to really hammer my point home.
1. You know it is raining before anyone else
A baldhead is a sensor. This can often be a great superpower. For example if you are stood outside a bar on a warm day, you will be the first to feel the initial drops of rain on your bare sensitive scalp. Keep calm. Whilst everyone else is still talking or sticking their palms out to see if it is raining, you will inform your friends, inconspicuously shuffle inside and begin taking up the few prime tables indoors. Your evening saved. Everyone else’s ruined. Brilliant.
2. You can do a geographical and no one will notice
One tricky part about being bald is dealing with the people that knew you before the hair death. They tend to not let it go unnoticed. Sadly, it is not socially acceptable to reply to their incredulous question of “What happened to your hair?” with “The same thing that happened to your marriage/career/grandma.” The only option you have is to move to a new neighbourhood, town or country. Then to every new person you meet you will have always looked the same. Bald.
3. You have a smaller carbon footprint
The world is on its way out. That much is clear, but what can be done? Now you are bald gels, wax, and shampoo are no longer needed. So no more polluting the environment with the oils and plastics of these products. Your carbon footprint decreases and you gain the moral high ground over all those hairy fools. This then gives you carte blanche to never offset your carbon footprint when buying a airplane ticket ever again.
4. You realise who is a fool and who isn’t
There are few things unfunnier than a bald joke. It’s barely a joke when the punch line is simply: “You’re bald.” There is little clever or funny about looking at someone’s head and describing what it looks like. Being bald is brilliant in this scenario since you can work out who the generic dullards in your social circle are and then slowly ostracize then from your group.
5. You don’t get ID’d in pubs or bars
There is no need to take out that troublesome and often heavy ID card with you, as you have nothing to prove. The bouncer wants proof that you are over the legal age? Simply point to your empty bonce and the subsequent tears rolling down your cheeks. He will let you straight in, no questions asked. Another victory and one in the eye over your baby faced friends.
6. Your fancy dress options are stronger
Bruce Willis, Phil or Grant Mitchell, Willie Thorne... “Normal” people have to buy some cumbersome and frankly useless rubber pink hat that looks rubbish to get the bald look. Us bald heroes, and we are heroes, can just shave a little closer that night, pop on a cloak and become bloody Lord Voldermort in no time.
7. Easier Climate Control
We all know that humans lose roughly 4000% of our bodily heat through our heads. In winter, this would seemingly be a problem? It isn’t, simply stick on a hat of your choice and bring yourself up to optimum temperature. Alternatively in the hot summer months when those trendy cocky clowns with their big heavy hair are sweating their skulls off you can sit there cool, calm and smug.
NB. Ensure wearing of sun tan cream. Few things are worse than a bald head full of sun burnt blisters.
8. You don’t have to worry about it anymore
The worse thing about being bald is worrying about it. Staring at the slowly receding hairline in the mirror. Trying a Fran Healy from Travis hairstyle that went out of fashion the second it arrived. Convincing yourself it might have stopped falling out. You will torment and panic no end. When that day finally comes, and the hair is gone, you are free. Free from the self-imposed fear. Your worries will evaporate as there is nothing more to worry about. It’s gone, move on. You are now a new (though, old looking) man.
There you have it. As if it was even in doubt in the first place. Congratulations and welcome aboard the good ship Bald.