A Letter from 2036: "Save us from Frankie and the Cocozzas"

The year is 2036 and the world is facing an uncertain future. John Terry is Prime Minister of the BNP Green Party coalition, Stoke City are FIFA World League champions and Frankie Cocozza is bloody everywhere.
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Dear 2011

I write to you from the 2036 resistance, the date is November 8. I write to you because something that happened in your time set the ball in motion for world I live in now.  I ask, no plead with you to publish this letter and alert those in power in 2011 because this is a future no sane being could want. The leader of our resistance, Sir Stephen Fry, would have written this himself but age has caught up with him and now he’s walking around in his underpants, babbling irrelevant facts, shouting “WRONG, YOU’RE WRONG” whenever someone tries to answer him.

I am sat in my apartment, dreading the imminent election of Justin Bieber as the inaugural President of the World. He is the overwhelming favourite, with the latest global polls reporting a projected 6 billion votes. This makes me and the other members of the resistance afraid because this isn’t a coup and there aren’t any suspicions of underhand tactics; this is democracy according to Twitter trending topics.

His first act must be to demand a truce in the tech war between Apple and Samsung which claimed 40,000 App lives last night. In the news tablet today Apple leader Mr iPhone 9Gs said “This war will be the thinnest, shiniest war on the market.” Samsung’s response was to issue a statement saying much the same thing but you could download the article at a more reasonable price.

In England John Terry, the Prime Minister of the BNP Green Party coalition, is doing damage control after the body of a member of the Blue Man group was found in the wrong recycling bin after a government sponsored Non-White lynching. It is another embarrassing headline for a coalition many believe has fundamental ideological differences. A referendum, forced through by the Green Party, resulted in legislation enforcing the strict use of proper waste disposal. Non-white Human corpses and plastics must go into orange bin. The BNP clearly don’t care.

They’re also going to have to do something about the spate of six-year-olds holding up post offices across the country. The attacks are in response to the unprecedented increase in exam difficulty. One of the main vote-winning policies from the 2011 Fallon D’ Floor winner, was a crack-down on education. He said he was going to ensure kids “got stuck in” and “gave 110%”. “There are no easy exams at this level” he bellowed. Today’s Year 2 English exams involve speed reading copies of Mein Kampf – printed on recycled paper – and presenting a rousing speech in front of a selected panel . Any child who does not incite hatred is shot out of a canon.

Argh, someone just walked by my window in a Frankie and the Cocozza’s t-shirt. I hate that fucking band so much. People are trying to get Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger’ as Christmas number one ahead of whoever wins this year’s X Factor. They think they’re trying to be ironic or something but the plan is flawed at the most basic levels.

Lady Gaga’s efforts to reinvent herself have resulted in a resurgence of sorts. She has undergone the latest face-lift procedure, so now her face has literally been lifted off her head and hovers 6 inches above her. She is number one in the charts at the moment with her current single ‘010101’. Reggie Yates described it as “a ground-breaking protest song” but he knows nothing about anything. She just held a microphone next to a computer for 13minutes, which is dumb because computers were made completely silent in 2018. Apparently, it symbolises the silence of our under-classes. Tell me, please, 2011, people don’t try and find ridiculous meanings for crap and call it art in your time do they?

We’re starting to see the first new movies since Hollywood was moved to Beijing in 2034.

I got an original copy of the 2014 Celebrity Big Brother 3D movie the other day but I couldn’t sit through it. It’s just people sitting in a house watching some dude with a goatee and a horrible floral patterned shirt butchering a pig for an hour and a half. I heard it was really badly received at the time but right now the hipsters are all over it.

We’re starting to see the first new movies since Hollywood was moved to Beijing in 2034. I’ve only seen a few but they’re mostly gross out, buddy comedy musicals about the fall of the United States.

Strictly Come Dancing is on later, Bruce Forsyth plays all the parts; judge, presenter and he’s every contestant but it’s the hottest show out there. My Dad says he’ll never forget the day, June 6th 2012, when Tom Cruise popped out from under Bruce’s wig and revealed he was an alien and he’d been controlling his body ever since Bruce died in 1998. “It makes sense,” my Dad would say. “I’d never seen them in the same room before. When you think about it, it just makes sense!”

Stoke City are FIFA World League champions for the 20th season running. Their brand of football certainly has pulses racing. They beat AC Milan 9-0 at the weekend, completing three of an attempted eight passes. Alan Hansen’s award winning MOTD analysis was confusing though, he just kept cackling and saying “£29 million an episode, £29 million an episode” and did a sarcastic face palm as if to say ‘how could you be stupid enough to pay me this much?’ I heard he was really insightful in your time; he used to talk about the defence and the defending and conceding goals and things like that. Now he’s just way too comfortable on the fat salary.

The world in my time is empty and soulless and people are blinded by riches and fame. Any semblance of decency has been corrupted and greed rules us all. Last week, a woman broke into my home, held me at laser point and stole my sperm. She stole my sperm, yelling at me from the foot of my bed saying it was ‘her right’. I don’t think you can even fathom that concept in your time but that’s the kind of depths people will sink to nowadays. But you can do something; you can help save this planet from becoming the degenerate, moral wasteland it is now in 2036.

You only have a few months to make a difference but please, do everything you can to stop the event that tipped the balance and started this downward spiral. Please, please, anyone with a pulse we urge you please, stop the 2012 New Years Day wedding of Kim Kardashian and Zooey Deschanel. That’s the moment that started it all. I’m begging you; the ramifications if this happens will be uncompromising and wide-reaching. If you don’t want a world where Justin Bieber is President, John Terry is Prime Minister and women rob men of sperm; you must stop that wedding. Stop it, or Frankie Cocozza will have an awful but somehow hugely successful band.

Yours desperately,

Baby 7 Billion.

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