Alec Baldwin: An iWhore Like Me

Hollywood star Alec Baldwin has been kicked off a plane for playing Words With Friends on his iPad. I know how he feels, I too need to visit Apple Anonymous for my insane addiction to all things Mac.
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Thanks to the Californian based technophiles part of my very busy schedule now involves having to sort my work, life, gadget balance. Just when I think I've got this vital mix in order the devilish masterminds at Apple bring out something so awe inspiring it makes me consider selling a kidney to get one. That minor health issue aside, their latest innovations imply everything I own is so technologically backward I might as well be carrying round an abacus to accessorise my chalk and slate.

Nine times out of ten it’s not even anything new, it's just a thinner version of something I already have. It's like I want to cheat on my existing Apple product now that it's got to that comfortable point in our relationship where it's gained a few pounds and let itself go. And yet like all good relationships I can't let go of the old model, so I stay with it. We’ve got to know each other’s foibles, we’re comfortable together. It works. We’re happy.

Slowly but surely though the temptation to stray starts to eat away at you. You start seeing the iTemptress swanning around town looking sleek and glamorous. Before you know it your discarded iProduct languishes at home while you’re wining and dining your new iMistress brazenly about the place with all the smuggery associated with being an ‘early adopter’. Even using the phrase ‘early adopter’ makes me want to kill myself.

What strange technology have they pioneered that makes me covet their latest offerings without the faintest clue of what it does or how I'll use it?

“Look at ME, I’ve got an iWidget5 -- I am clearly an early adopter.” No, I’m just a tool with a clear lack of any self-control or common decency. So, not only have Apple made me a cheater, they’ve fleeced me of anything up to a grand for a slightly improved version of something I already own, forced me to spend 24 hours in a queue and made me a look a conceited twat at the same time. Crap.

The Apple shop is no help either. I can’t set foot in the place without immediately spotting something shiny yet strangely similar to everything else I’ve ever bought.  Then there’s the ‘geniuses’. Really? You're so exceptionally intelligent that you're a genius now are you? Surely your time would be better spent solving complex crimes or coming up with a solution for global warming? We can ALL turn it off, wait 30 seconds and turn it back on again. I'm assuming our genius badges must be lost in the post along with our uniforms and a copy of the staff rota.

I hate myself for this incessant need to fill my life with their cunningly attractive wares and yet I can’t stop. I NEED their products. Within seconds of just hearing the words iPad 2 earlier this year I knew I must have one and I hadn’t even seen it. What strange technology have they pioneered that makes me covet their latest offerings without the faintest clue of what it does or how I'll use it?  They’ve even got me considering flying to New York to be first in the queue for their latest day of shiny filth peddling.

Thank god iSmuggling isn’t a crime, I’m not sure I could squeeze an iPad 2 into my gusset.

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