Like white dog shit in the 80s, Alessio Rastani is everywhere at the moment. A meme, an icon and a hate figure all rolled into one highly-polished life-form, debate still rages whether or not he is actually a trader, a member of the yes men or an Extra Terrestrial. Ok, so we’ve added the extra-terrestrial, but like the gatekeepers of journalism we are, we’ve tried to shoehorn the acres of internet space into a handy guide to exactly who the fuck Alessio Rastani is.
Round One: Appearance
Described variously as a snake oil salesman and the bastard offspring of Gordon Gekko (no-one has mentioned the other parent yet), Rastani certainly looks the business, but can anything really be gleaned from this? Anyone can wear a nice suit and buy some brylcreem, and if the movies has taught us anything its that Aliens are conniving fuckers who can morph into anything. Honours even.
Round Two: Habitat
ALIEN KLAXON!!!! “I grew up in London. I spent some time in Italy, some time with my folks in America. My uncle lives in California, two uncles in California. My folks, I can’t comment on them, to be honest. I can’t say where they are right now, they’re temporarily out of the country.”
Trader clearly doesn’t get a look-in here, as any one worth their salty post pit knackers can tell you exactly where their parents are, and that is locked up in a basement and chained to a computer analysing trends while their offspring smash into sex-trafficked Slovenian blondes.
Round Three: Professional Approach
“What I look for, essentially what I look for is opportunities. I’m a trend trader, so I trade trends, that what I like. And I like volatility. There are three things I wait for. I look for moments of high volatility, or the early parts of a volatile market, and I trade the momentum.”
Due to limited vocabularies that always let down their cunning disguises, an ET would have choked on ‘trend trader’, its head would have started spinning round and the BBC would have exploded. To many of us, the above is gobledegook which either points to a well-versed hoaxer or a trader.
Alien 1/10 (mark awarded for taking Huw Edwards’ head off with a flying limb)
Round Four: Career History
Big cracks in the hoaxer armoury here. Having said “I started trading for real in 2006,” Alessio later contradicted himself with “You’ve got to basically learn how to make money from this. Otherwise you’ll be like I did 10 years ago … I made some huge mistakes 10 years ago, during the dotcom crash. I realized it was a falling knife. I was trying to say look guys, it’s not just for traders, it’s for everyone.”
Round Five: Short Term Memory
Less than 48 hours after saying “I dream of another recession” Alessio stated, “A lot of people just got the wrong end of the foot, misunderstood what I was saying. They thought I was joyful or licking my lips about the idea of making money from people’s miseries. I think it’s overblown. I have no idea why I’m getting this attention. I don’t think it was news.”
While this apparent brainwashing could be down to some faulty babel software installed on the Mothership, all the evidence points to a highly-polished hoaxer breaking under the strain of a constant cover-up. Or a total terrorcunt of a trader attempting to brush it off and putting it all down to a heavy night on the chang and Krug. Probably the latter, which would explain the 'wrong end of the foot' comment.
Anyone can wear a nice suit and buy some brylcreem, and if the movies has taught us anything its that Aliens are conniving fuckers who can morph into anything
Round Six: Working Hours
“I trade first two hours of the NYSE, here it’s 2:30 p.m. – 4:30 p.m. Then the last two hours of the markets, over here 7 to 9. Sometimes just the last hour.”
A clear victory for the trader here, a hoaxer would have said “18 hours a day, everyday, I eat, sleep and shit money,” while an Alien would be too busy trying to compute the differences between PCT and GMT.
Round Seven: Age
There is no way on earth that a 34-year-old trader who was any good would be awake at that time on the morning, let alone in the country and prepared to talk. Surely by 34 they are all on Yachts named after their first big deal in Puerto Banus? Ditto a hoaxer, an experienced one would have said 29, believable in both looks and for the reasons above. Aliens, despite being apparently better than us, are often thick as pig shit.
Round Eight: Breaking The Rules
“Every now and then, I get tempted and do break my rules. As far as the credit crisis, my biggest regret was that I did not make as much money as I should have done, because that market was beautiful. Nice trends and nice volatility.”
It really is, as my Nan used to say, a choice between shit and Diarrhea here. On one hand it could easily be a trader lamenting the fact that he failed to make that extra million as people everywhere contemplated poverty, on the other it could be a hoaxer cleverly planting another statement that we all believe anyway. We’ll go for Diarrhea, as it is the fact that these statements have been publicly aired that made everyone think it was a hoax in the first place
Round Nine: Leisure Activities
“I love traveling. I’ve been to the States quite a few times. I love writing. I’ve actually got a book proposal with a publisher in the UK.”
Traders travel, all of the time, and especially to the states. A trader would’ve spoken about his little (fucking massive) place in The Bahamas, a hoaxer would know to say it. The Alien, however, has just thrown in a bit of lingo and hoped for the best. As for the book publishing deal, we can only guess that Lord Zog is a big fan of Twitter and follows Robbie Savage and Jordan exclusively.
Final Round: Bravado
“I don’t know why they think it’s a hoax. No, I am a trader absolutely. I have trader friends who could back that up. One of my mentors is a bestselling author and trader. Everyone knows me.”
The final round just goes to the trader for failing to name the names. A hoaxer would have no qualms about outing his ‘mentor’ to fan the flames further.
So there you have it, Alessio Rastani is a hoaxer, or a trader, or possibly an alien. We hope that clears it up, have your say below...
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