My crush on Simon Cowell is well documented, on Facebook, on Twitter, on the walls of public toilets up and down the country. Yes I know he wears high waisted trousers and has a haircut straight out of Compton but that doesn’t change the fact that I love him. It’s not just me either, me and my housemates have actually had real life discussions over which one of us would be best suited to the aging lothario and when I say discussions I mean heated arguments with hair pulling and plate throwing galore. See I can appreciate the young trendy men as much as the next girl, it would be an absolute lie to say that I would kick Robert Pattinson out of bed, in fact, if I had him in my bed, I would probably tie him down and never let him leave, but, there is something to be said for the slightly less obvious sex god, if only it’s that you have more chance with them because not as many people like them.
As I was writing this article I was also organising my weekend out, I’m sitting here canvassing my friends for places to go when one girl messages back “Sorry, can’t come out on Saturday, I’m going to see Bon Jovi” What’s that I felt? A pang of jealousy? Now despite him having worn the same pair of slightly ripped jeans for the last 150 years, Mr.Jovi (is that even his real name?) is still rocking my world. He looks like a dirty farm hand you might have a bit of rough and tumble with in the hay and with a body most 25 year olds would die for do you can’t really blame me for wanting him, even if his music does make me want to stab my ears out.
Robert Redford (Still)
I know what you’re thinking Robert Redford WAS really attractive of course you fancy him. Back in the day, he was all that,well, yes, he was. But the truth of the matter is, is that despite him being old enough to be my Granddad and then some he has most definitely still got it. He is the ultimate sugar daddy; rugged good looks, all of his own hair, perhaps not all of his own teeth (who knows) but bloody good imitations if not, money in the bank, need I go on?
He’s just so powerful and rude and he swears so much. I don’t know why I like men that swear a lot it’s like they don’t give a fuck (haha, lol, awful pun and all that) many a man refers to him as "crater face" but let’s not lie gents we all know it’s just because you’re jealous. He’s also great in the kitchen and there is nothing I love more than a man who can feed me, granted my increasingly tight trousers probably wouldn’t agree but the way to a woman's heart is most definitely through her stomach (or through the purchasing of really nice shoes, either way).
Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
There seems to be a trend here, notably a large number of these men are pretty old, and a couple of them are chefs. When Hugh (I like to call him by his first name like we’re chums) did his Chicken Out campaign I fell in love. Finally I felt like there was a real backer to my anti-Iceland "Chickens shouldn’t be the size of Pigeons" ranting. He looks like a really clean farmer and probably smells of hemp and linseed oil, on anybody else this would be a bit weird but on him it’s a bit of a turn on (hypothetically speaking obviously I have never actually smelt him).
Zac Goldsmith, MP for Richmond Park and absolute dreamboat. He keeps popping up on my suggested friends on Facebook, we have four mutual friends it’s pretty much meant to be. Granted he probably has about 5996393 contacts and never uses that account personally but I still feel like it’s a sign. He appeals to my middle class sensibilities, kind of like Hugh Grant but not so short or prone to dalliances with prostitutes.
God damn it it’s annoying when the bloke you fancy turns out to be gay. Will Young is just so nice, really quite funny, not to mention he’s just amazingly attractive. You just want to pick him up and put him in your pocket, sadly though I think he’s quite tall so he probably wouldn’t fit and being only 5’3 myself and not that strong I wouldn’t be able to lift him up to get him in there in the first place, but if I could, I would.
Despite Kemp looking like a cross between a potato and a condom filled with sausage meat there’s something about him. Maybe it’s because he’s all tough and stuff when he’s “On gangs” roaming the street like a modern day um, tough man. He’s got that softly spoken touch as well which makes me think he would be really good at things like reading stories or stroking my hair not to mention the fact that if you were to be with him your mother in law would be Barbera Windsor and quite frankly there is nothing cooler than that.
Click here for more stories about Life
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter
Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook