Once upon a time, to find yourself in a relationship with a famous face would have been similar in feeling to that bit in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where he finds a winning lottery ticket in his Bounty. Endless holidays, free clothes and fragrances, invites to Puff Daddy’s house to play Nintendo. Not to mention great sexual intercourse with someone not only considerably better looking than you, but considerably better looking than absolutely everyone you had ever met. And then the shiny veneer began to crack, and overexposure to these bizarre King Midas people in their magnificent homes found them babbling therapy talk, walking open-mouthed through life ingesting prescription drugs, almost entirely incapable of handling normal things like buying themselves a delicious carton of Ribena. Half of them probably don’t even know Puff Daddy at all. With that in mind, here’s a short list of ten famous people who would probably be a nightmare to go out with...
1. Geri Halliwell
Bless her, Geri Halliwell isn’t the shiniest spanner in the tool box. Rather, she comes across as exactly the kind of person who likes to say what she sees and give a running commentary on the day’s most mundane happenings. So, when you’re silently tucking into a plate of eggs after a hard night listening to her discuss exactly how close she is to falling asleep, she’d probably pipe in with “oh, eating eggs”, before looking out of the window, and explaining how there’s a tall tree on the other side of the road, or how a man just ran past, probably jogging or something. Fast forward two hours, and she’ll still be making these inane comments – this time about how all of her belongings appear to flying onto the pavement from upstairs.
2. Jude Law
Put short, Law has the look of a man who would spend the build up to your love making staring at his own naked body in the mirror, whispering compliments to himself, then afterwards, as you lie bemused next to his sweaty heap wondering what the hell just happened, he’d whisper “you’re welcome”.
3. Lady GaGa
To save face and counteract Lady GaGa’s preposterous outfits, you’d have to make every single evening “fancy dress”. Your pals might enjoy this for a short while, but by the seventh dressing up party in just three weeks, they’d probably rebel. And then they’d twig - it’s not for fun, your weird girlfriend actually dresses like a cock.
4. Tom Cruise
Listen, if a guy wants his wife to silently give birth whilst he checks behind the curtains for critters, that’s totally his choice. Fair play. Forget the Scientology, the real struggle going out with Tom Cruise would be the slurry of passive-aggressive smiles, and the forced laughter. In a dinner party scenario, by the second over-the-top evaluation about how fucking amazing the shit prawn cocktail was, you’d just want to brick him in the face.
5. Pete Doherty
You want to go out for a dance with the girls, Pete’s slumped over a mattress wearing just his pants. You need to get up for work in the morning, Pete wrote you a weird poem in his own blood at 3am, then woke you up to read it to you by holding your nose until you leapt up in bed, gasping for air. Bloody heroin.
There is an underlying suspicion that Jennifer Aniston rarely gets to date three without saying “I love you”. She’d then continue declaring this love on a daily basis, always making sure that the compliment is reciprocated, roughly for the rest of the three weeks before you tear your own skin off your face and tell her to sod off.
6. Britney Spears
Britney Spears – great looking, yes. Totally mental, also a yes. Hence most of your day would conceivably be spent comforting Britney, telling her that everything is going to be just fine. Breathe. She needn’t be so edgy. But the real cock-punch would come when she meets your friends for the first time, during a standard get together in a local pub. She’s a pretty girl and no mistake, they’d all agree, but why did Britney Spears keep bursting into tears?
Fair play to JLS, they are milking the blistering spotlight of fame with their matching outfits, their usual standing formation – tall ones in the middle, little ones either side. Their love songs. And malfunctioning gaydars going off aside, a relationship with any of them would present two major problems. 1. You’d probably have to do it with all of them in the room due to a lack of alone time in their schedule. And 2. Once the spotlight fades, you might find yourself cruelly relegated to the Gaffney/Bowers axis of sophistication at Faces in Essex. Not worth the risk.
8. Robbie Williams
The problem with Robbie is that he’d make for great company – with his funny faces, and his jokes - but a hunch suggests that he’d then spend the rest of the night and well into the next day discussing how people might have felt about him – on a deep spiritual level. Did they find him annoying? Why did the blonde girl not say goodbye properly? Had he offended her somehow? Did he talk about himself too much? At first, this sensitivity would seem sweet and even a little bit charming, but after the umpteenth evening of lying in a bed desperate for him to shower you with endless tongue kisses and shag techniques perfected on groupies, but only getting a paranoid dissection of the day’s most pointless events, you’d be tempted to spike his drink. This is not a good thing.
9. Jennifer Aniston
There is an underlying suspicion that Jennifer Aniston rarely gets to date three without saying “I love you”. She’d then continue declaring this love on a daily basis, always making sure that the compliment is reciprocated, roughly for the rest of the three weeks before you tear your own skin off your face and tell her to sod off. The tipping point would be you absent-mindedly forgetting to put an “x” on a text. Why would you do that?
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