Britain is on its knees. The peasants have revolted and now Something Big And Important has to be seen to be done by the government in order to stamp it out once and for all. But Cameron’s plans, including a ‘war on gangs’ are short-sighted, dull and most crucially, pig ignorant. The man is a buffoon, an arse and a tit. In short, I don’t think he’s going far enough.
Here’s my alternative four-point plan that will probably definitely bring an end to Britain’s gang culture and re-establish the country as the land of hope and glory that it most probably definitely should be.
1. Amplify Social Media
The kids can’t be trusted to operate their Twitters and their Facebooks and their Blackberry messages properly. All they use them for is organising mass civil disobedience and planning water fights and orgies. The bastards.
I’m proposing that from now on, all potential looters (basically anyone who wears a tracksuit but doesn’t make a living from professional sport) is made to wear a special helmet that is connected to their mobile phones and has been fitted with a loudspeaker and text-to-speech software.
Anything they read or write on their phones will automatically be converted and broadcast through the speaker, allowing normal, non-tracksuit-wearing citizens to know EXACTLY what they’re up to.
2. De-vowel All The Rap Music
In this time of confusion about who or what is to blame, only one thing is certain – the rap music is almost certainly to blame. Its powerful, monotonous beats that are designed solely to hypnotise the listener into smashing up a Vodafone store are bad enough, but it’s the lyrics that need to be reined in once and for all.
There’s far too much talk about drinking brandy straight out of the bottle and tattooing prostitutes against their will, and nowhere nearly enough about the benefits that can be had from investing in Premium Bonds.
I’m not calling for the abolition of rap music, but if we remove all the vowels from the rap lyrics, it will almost certainly blunt the message and lead to a noticeable reduction in the strangling statistics. So Solid Crew, your time in the sunshine is about to come to an end… for good!
For starters, they can clean up the chewing gum that they’ve previously spat out on to our sacred pavements
3. Reintroduce National Service
This is almost certainly the missing link in Cameron’s so-called Big Society and if he had any balls about him, he’d have announced it months ago. The plan is simple – any potential looter (basically anyone who wanders around with their shoelaces undone) who can’t find a job should automatically be enrolled into the armed forces for two years.
But if they think they’re getting anywhere near any firearms, they’ve got another thing coming. Their time will be spent carrying out a series of pointless and mildly unpleasant tasks, designed solely to occupy their time while occasionally making them do a little sick in their throats.
For starters, they can clean up the chewing gum that they’ve previously spat out on to our sacred pavements – using only plastic chip shop forks. If they’ve got a problem with THAT, then they will be transferred to nursing homes, where they will be forced to perform vajazzles on doped-up old ladies.
4. Bring Back Street Corner Doo Wop
There’s no doubt that one of the greatest pop videos of the last century was the promo for End Of The Road by Boyz II Men. I’m sure you were all as moved as I was by the bit where they sing underneath a bridge next to a burning brazier. Now imagine that scene on the corner of every ‘problem street’ in Britain (basically any street where someone has drawn or spray-painted a cock and balls on a wall).
There are going to be a lot of convicted looters behind bars over the next few months and by the time they get out of jail the mass clear-up will be complete. So what do we do with them? Simple – force them to channel their energies into perfecting close harmonies in a collection of new street corner doo wop groups.
But they needn’t think they can subvert the classic doo wop form and perform songs loaded with filth-words and boasts about their sexually-transmitted infections. The streets will be policed by lyric wardens (working as part of their national service) and any cursing will see the immediate removal of their vowels. This nation WILL be great again.
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