Confessions Of A Cafe Owner, Part One: Lesbian Plumbers

When my missus and I decided to open a cafe in Leeds little did we realise the cast of characters who would enter our world. Introducing vinegar tits, Wakefield's premier electrician and 'The Chemist'...
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Wed 18th August 2010. first day of shopfitting


A new unit is being added to a parade of shops in a mystery location in Leeds. My missus and I are renting it and opening a cafe. We have never done this before. Existing shops include a hairdressers a chemist and the final unit belongs to local Tory MP which he uses as a surgery; a place for pensioner's to vent their wheelie bin gripes. The chemist owns the whole parade. I am renting from 'The Chemist'.

The goal is to open a 50's style cafe. Once finished it is my ambition to spend my days hanging around the cafe in a suit drinking tea shuffling important-looking bits of paper.

Got the key from 'The Chemist'. First job is to fit the kitchen. The builder pops in and says jokingly: 'Have you finished yet?' He does this three more times during the morning. The Chemist pops in and says: 'It looks big in here now'. He pops in another two times. Once just to look at something, then comes in and says: 'It looks massive in here'.

I'm a joiner and have worked on many new builds. The customer always comes in at different stages of the build, places hands on hips, looks around and says: 'It looks bigger in here', or, 'It's getting there'.

Just before I leave 'The Chemist’ pops in for a final time, plonks hands on hips, looks around and says: "Do you think the plumber's a lesbian?"

Thursday 19th August 2010: Painting

Cafe. Painting internal today. Painting tip. I have been painting water-based matt emulsion onto new plaster. The tin advises diluting paint - 40% water. If you do this and use a roller the paint will piss and spray all over you. This piss-week paint to water ratio is called in the trade: 'The Happy German'. the paint consistency you want is more like a teenage boy's mucky tatty water

Monday 23rd August 2010

Over the weekend a couple of teenage girls dropped their CV's through the letterbox. I'm looking for a blend of experience and eye candy. Ideal candidates would be Vinegar Tits from Prisoner Cell Block H and Carla Bruni. Also over the weekend a teenage girl seems to have dropped her pantyhose and stuffed them in the railings. (see opposite). Maybe there's some joinery groupies leaving their knickers for me ala Tom Jones.

What did a plumber from Barnsley do? Went outside and pissed against the primary school wall, then came back in and connected up the toilet

Friday 3rd September 2010: BT GUY

Had a phone line put in to the cafe today. This is a picture of BT guy's van. If you look closely on the ground at the rear of the van you will see what looks like a large bottomed frying pan/wok (close up of pan/wok below) discarded over the drain. We have been having some bother lately with the local youths and I warned him that they had for some reason put a frying pan/wok behind his back wheels. He laughed and said that it was actually his frying pan and that it wasn't in fact a frying pan but his own personal piss pot. When he's stuck on a job with no toilet, he nips in the back of the van, 'fills' up the pan and then tips it all down the drain.

Wednesday 8th September 2010

This week I received a visit from Wakefield's premier electrician Ian 'Rimmers' Rimmington. Rimmers fitted my alarm system. It 's very sophisticated with voice activation dialler which rings me up if some teenage youth break in. Rimmers was very professional throughout unlike the BT guy who pissed in a frying pan/wok. Rimmers would never resort to such actions. When Rimmers needed a piss he just got my 2 litre bottle of Highland Spring water cut the top off with a stanley knife and pissed in that and remarked that 'pissing in frying pans is soooo last season.'

Sunday 12th September 2010

If you were American you would say that today I have been putting up some 'Dry wall' (see pic). The english translation would be 'stud wall' or 'extending the shitter'. The pen pushers at the food and toilet health department have ordered me to put in another door on the toilet. The reason being that if someone visits my toilet and drops a load that is accompanied by a rather inclement nostril filling odour I need a vacuum to contain it a bit like Captan Nemo's decompression chamber. This new area I have built should contain the most robust guff.

Thursday 16th September 2010

Today was national 'Talk like a pirate day'. My son Brodie and his cub scout group got in the spirit by dressing up and I had to talk like one all day while working at the cafe. Today I had the plumber in. He's from Barnsley and his first question was : 'where duz tha syphon the main vein round ere pal?' "Oooh aah. Shiver mi timbers' I said. He wanted a piss. As you may remember I have no usable toilet and the tradesmen so far have been very inventive when they needed to wee. There was BT wok/frying pan man and Highland Spring Rimmington. What did a plumber from Barnsley do? Went outside and pissed against the primary school wall, then came back in and connected up the toilet - it only took him ten minutes?

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