Here's Why The iPhone 6 Can Fuck Right Off

And also "wearable tech" makes you look like a Fischer Price James Bond.
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It is an annual event that takes the world by storm.

Journalists flock to Capurtino California to be the first to break the biggest news story of the week. Publications ready their headlines and news anchors across the globe prepare to throw more news at you like a broken tennis ball launcher of news that just can’t stop. Several countries are at war, the UK is being split in half and everyone that was famous in the 70’s can’t be trusted just because. However this is not the news. The news is a fucking phone.

In human history there have only ever been two reasons to get excited by a phone. First, when Alexander Graham Bell stole a bunch of ideas, put a patent on it and ‘invented’ something you could hurl your voice through in 1876, and second when you discovered you could watch porn on it. When the rotary phone came out people didn’t eagerly watch from around the world as a rich white guy paraded around an amphitheatre telling you why your life is pointless if you don’t have one, they just used it.

The launch of the new iPhone has become like a ritual a cult leader would use to convince their followers to stay, adding on the tiniest little change and the congregation believing this is the birth of a new age of happiness. What apple has invented is the perfect capitalist marketing strategy. Every newspaper, news channel and social media forum floods itself with the news almost instantly, all of this about A THING. When it first came out it was revolutionary, but since then all they have done is change the head on the broom one year, then change the handle on the broom the next, until you have the same fucking broom but now it’s unfamiliar and not the one you wanted when you first got it.

The new one is bigger, great, people like bigger. And it can play blu-ray quality video, which is fantastic if you are the sort of heathen that would watch an entire movie on a phone. The battery life has been improved, but in the same way that improving the speed of your car by putting racing stripes on it would help. BUT WAIT HERE IS A WATCH. Ignoring the fact that most of human beings no longer wear watches because they look at their phones for the time, I for one cannot wait to see city boys on the London Underground talking into their wrists leaving notes for Siri like a Fischer Price James Bond.



Not actually a video, this, because fuck it.

The price has gone up as well, if you want the large iPhone plus with 128gig storage space, it will cost you more than the average disposable income people in 152 countries earn PER YEAR. For the same price as this phone, PHONE, you could buy: 4500 packets of space raiders, 13 return trips to Paris on the Eurostar, Two nights in the Park Lane Hilton, 257 pints of lager or 6 baby Ostriches. Yes you heard. Of course you can only pay a percentage of this cost, then sign up for 24 months contract with an insurance plan that doesn’t cover anything realistic that would ever happen in your life and in 12 months the new fucking phone comes out anyway.

But you have to have one right? You can’t have the old one anymore, because that isn’t in keeping with your social status as a trend setter? You are only unique when you have a device that several million other people have, but you use it in a completely different way though? I mean on your current phone you use it for twitter, bit of facebook, the occasional email, taking filtered pictures of your cock to send to strange women on the internet? How can this new phone improve your life? Well, Twitter and Facebook will look a bit bigger, the occasional email will look the same but at least there will be more filters to put on the unsolicited dick pics you want to send. Possibly a HD slow motion video of it flapping about like an elephant’s trunk during a seizure. This is society now. The first world already kind of has everything it could need, but it is always better a little bigger and in a higher resolution.

As September rolls on and the fanboys line up outside apple stores across the world, wasting the precious gift of life to wait to buy something that hinders them from going out and experiencing it, some people will get a loan, use a credit card and go into debt to have something they don’t need. Brats at Christmas will get them from parents who show their apathy towards raising children by throwing gadgets at them. Your information will get leaked to whoever can pay the most for it, but it looks hella cool right?


Sent from my iPhone