How To Survive The Night Bus

Drunk or sober, we all need to take the night bus at some time or another. Here's how to not end up broke or beaten up...
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We’ve all been on a night bus at one time or another, desperately standing in the cold wishing and waiting for the buses arrival. At times we can remain comfortable that we are not Rihanna or Chloe Green being papped on these fateful London Bus journeys...

If you’re sober

It is almost mental of you to assume you can survive a night bus alone on a Friday night, particularly if you are sober. You should expect absolutely everything awful to be encapsulated in this big red bus of nightmares and drunks. While waiting for the bus make sure you have headphones on so that no one can speak to you, this will also help for the journey. When getting on the bus, make sure you have your oyster card topped up and to hand as you don’t want to spend time waiting around talking to bus drivers or strange men who fancy telling you about their evening. Check the seat before you sit down, some people find it acceptable to piss or throw up on bus seats. Never sit on the top deck at the back, the sick from the front will run down the bus and ruin your new shoes. Lastly, be prepared to want to punch every person that holds the bus up due to stupid questions, but never punch them.

Try to find a seat as soon as possible, admit defeat, you are drunk, you cannot stand

If you’re drunk

As above, always have your oyster card topped up, as you will most likely be feeling “generous” and happily hand over a fiver when the bus driver tells you he has no change. Don’t get so drunk that it takes you four stops to find your oyster card, or spit at the window because you think it’s open. It’s not. If this fails, convince a friend you need support through your journey home. Try to find a seat as soon as possible, admit defeat, you are drunk, you cannot stand. You will only fall over when the bus brakes and have that awful moment when you try and convince everyone you haven’t even drunk that much. Do not miss your stop, and if in fear of throwing up there’s a button above the exit doors that automatically opens them. Use this. Lastly, you might think you need a kebab, or worse another drink when you’re off the bus. You don’t. You really, really don’t. Just go home to bed.

Good Luck.

If you liked this why not read... Waging War on Commuting Couples by Suzie Smith

If you are privileged enough to not need to wade through hoards of plebs as part of your expedition from warm bed to cold hard desk each weekday morning then you can probably stop reading now. I have a small rant to let loose which I’m sure many fellow commuters will relate to if, like me, they’ve been wound up to screaming point by the tribulations involved in getting from A to Office whilst trying to retain some sanity, a small degree of composure and (oh please God) without breaking a sweat.

My major issue here lies in a particular sub-section of Londoners who make me feel like I would rather not ‘Mind The Gap’ but instead use it as a disposal unit for these most annoying of people clogging up the transport system: yes, I’m looking at you COMMUTING COUPLES.

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