How To Talk Like People On The Internet

YOLO, Like A Boss and 'what the actual fuck' don't make you cool - you just come across as a t**t. The internet is full of cretinous, thundering morons; here's how to fit in with them.
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Now that the ‘internet’ or ‘the web’ is fairly popular, you’re going to want to know what kind of things you should be typing if you don’t want to look like a ‘dick’ or a ‘noob’ on cool websites like Facebook, Twitter, Bebo or Friends Reunited or YouPorn. Well never fear, because here’s a handy cut out and keep guide to the top ten phrases you should be using when you’re ‘posting stuff online’ to make sure you’re one of the gang. That way you won’t get cyber-bullied and end up hanging yourself live on MSN messenger.

1. ‘Wow, just wow’

This is something you should type on a website when you’re surprised about something you’ve just read, in order to express your ‘surprise’. While people in the real world would say something like ‘fucking hell’ to express surprise, you’re not in the real world, you’re on the internet. So make sure you use an annoying phrase like this in order to feel more accepted.

2. A ‘something’ KLAXON

This is a ‘hilarious’** way to tell people that you’ve just seen something or someone on TV that you’re excited about, but you need to find the most irritating way possible to do it. Simply write something like **Elf on BBC1 KLAXON**’ onto twitter and sit smugly in the knowledge that you’re now an annoying prick.

**fucking stupid

3. ‘That awkward moment when…’

This phrase is used by people on ‘the net’ to inform other people on ‘the net’ that they’ve just done something stupid like accidentally fucked their own Dad or murdered someone. It’s just about the most annoying phrase ever invented, so it’s perfect for online speak. For example: “that awkward moment when you realise you’ve just written ‘that awkward moment when’ and you’re therefore now an arsehole and you should kill yourself”

4. ‘Just spat coffee on my computer screen’

People on the internet write this to tell other folk that they’ve just read something and laughed suddenly. Anyone who has ever written this is lying; they weren’t drinking coffee, they certainly didn’t spit any of it on a computer screen, and in fact what they did was almost smile and then typed ‘just spat coffee on my computer screen’. And then masturbated.


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5. ‘YOLO’
Meaning ‘you only live once’

Use this if you’re a confused adolescent/someone desperate to seem ‘with it’. Try using it in real life rather than online and see what happens. “Sir, I am arresting you on suspicion of the abduction and murder of a minor. You do not have to say anything, although if you do say anything it may harm your defence when questioned in court at a later date. Do you understand?”


6. ‘THIS >>>’

An inexplicable thing to write when drawing other people’s attention to something mildly amusing/interesting (but usually not) on the internet. Used next to a ‘link’ which is a thing highlighted in blue that you click on to be taken to a photo of a cat looking pissed off with something like ‘I need a coffee’ written on the bottom of it. Or something equally as fucking vacuous.


Instead of writing this, you can simply put ‘IAMACUNT’ and it will have the same effect.


Sigh. This was a moderately amusing sketch on Saturday Night Live FIVE YEARS AGO. It is now used by people to tell other people that they did something ‘good’. For instance: “just managed to die of old age before all the accusations of me touching kids up on a live music show on telly in the 1970s came to light LIKE A BOSS”

9. ‘You win the internet’

When someone puts up a video on youtube of someone swallowing tablespoons of cinnamon while ice skating and lip-synching to Call Me Maybe, somebody will say ‘you win the internet’ despite the fact that everyone knows the internet is an imaginary series of tubes and therefore can no more be ‘won’ than you could win the fucking moon.

10. ‘what the actual fuck’

Again, perfect for expressing mock surprise at something you’re not really surprised about in the slightest, but when you want to do it using a sentence that makes no sense whatseover simply because you’ve seen other people use it on the internet. As in ‘What the actual fuck makes me think I’m better than everyone else simply because I have access to a laptop and the DVD boxset of Homeland?

Remember, when you’re writing stuff on the internet you must always adopt a slightly superior/patronising tone that conveys how you’re apparently the authority on fucking everything, despite the fact you’re not at all. Have fun!