I'm Dreaming of a Supercar Christmas

Dear Santa, don’t bother with a Terry’s Chocolate Orange or a pair of pants. This year all I want for Christmas is fast cars… lots of them.
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Consider the following list of beautiful cars as a sort of round-up of 2010 but more like a really sad imaginary Christmas wish list, the sort of list a nine-year-old child would scrawl using one of those retard pens with the special triangle grip. Motoring PR’,s if you’re reading, (probably not) feel free to wrap me up a supercar and pop it under my tree this Christmas. Thanks.

The Lamborghini Sesto Elemento

Perhaps one of the most exciting launches of this year, the lightweight Lambo made grown men unleash hell into their trousers at this year’s Paris Motor Show with its refreshing angular body work and tantalising swathes of carbon fibre. The machine not only looks like a stealth fighter it will also shift like one (when it goes into production). We’re talking 0-60 in 2.5 seconds thanks to the massive 570bhp V10 engine and a top speed that doesn’t really matter. The boffins over at Lambo want to do away with the silly race for pace that the likes of Bugatti have got themselves into and simply create a machine that successfully destroys all internal organs with sheer, shit-your-Calvins acceleration. Yes please.

What I’d do to own one:

Pickle my testicles using a Sarson’s home pickling kit and serve them up to myself as a post-Christmas dinner Ploughman’s.

Jaguar XKR 75 Edition

The rare and exclusive version of the coveted Jaguar XKR stuffs an extra 20bhp in its underpants thanks to an uprated 5.0 Litre V8 engine. It also has a brutally stiff, sporty chassis that grips the road like a scared toddler. The XKR Speed Pack (that isn’t far off this model) was one of my favourite drives of the year. It crackled and snarled around town, positively shifted on the motorway and still packed enough grace and seduction to have tongues wagging and heads swivelling as it tore past. £85,500 may seem a bit steep (almost £10,000 more than the standard model) but the extra speed, nastiness and exclusivity is more than worth it.

What I’d do to own one:

Allow a convicted sex pest to rent the use of my arms and hands for a week so technically I would have to do all his ‘fiddling’ for him.

Aston Martin One-77

It looks absolutely stunning from every angle, has an exhaust note that even deaf people can hear and boasts the sort exclusivity that only a £1.2 million car can boast. It’s perhaps one of the most beautiful things to come out of Gaydon (sniggers) for many years and offers the kind of ‘kid-in-a-sweet’ shop list of options that makes me go a bit light-headed. Bespoke stitching in the leather seats, an array of specially-crafted alloy wheels, personalised paint jobs and Rose Gold switches are to name but a few. Apparently it takes three consultations with Aston Martin to get your car spot on; well you wouldn’t want to rush a £12 million decision would you?

What I’d do to own one:

Staple my eyelids open, put on an X-Factor marathon and pretend to enjoy every second while voting for each act three times via text message.

Perhaps one of the most joyous moments of my life was finding a long tunnel just outside London, gunning the accelerator and screeching like a massive girl as the V10 engine went to work perforating my ear drums… and anus.

New Lancia Stratos

Not only does ‘Lancia Stratos’ sound brilliant when said in an Alan Partridge voice (‘look at me in my big bastard Lancia Stratos’) the original also just happened to be one of the greatest and most influential rally cars of its time. Now, a slightly cash happy German businessman has pumped loads of money into turning a Ferrari 430 Scuderia chassis into a piece of nostalgic brilliance. But the new Stratos isn’t just a fan boy homage to a great machine but a brilliant car in its own right. 540bhp powers a well-balanced chassis set up that devours track at an alarming rate. It even looks just like the original. Mr Ferrari big boss Luca de Montezemolo has even driven it and given his seal of approval… and he’s a very difficult man to please.

What I’d do to own one:

Punch myself repeatedly in the ears until German businessman Michael Stoschek gives me one. Or at least lets me have a quick go.

Bentley Continental Supersports

Bentleys are brilliant. Every minute detail oozes class and refinement. The Supersports driven earlier this year boasted all the refinement and gadgetry that makes these motors so desirable but also delivered a white-knuckle ride in the driving stakes. The 6.0 litre W12 engine is laughably torque-y, providing acceleration from standstill all the way up to 200+ mph. Honestly, this thing is quite possibly the easiest way to lose your license, sitting at 140mph on the motorway is just too easy. Aggressive sports credentials, utterly gorgeous styling, optional bad boy rims and a road presence that will have other motorway users ducking behind their steering wheels in sheer fright… delicious.

What I’d do to own one:

Bum myself

Audi R8 Spyder

God this car is sexy. You could drive it down a busy road, turn the ignition off, get out and simply walk away without anyone really noticing. They’ll be too busy re-attaching their jaws. With a garish red paint job, jet black alloy wheels and roof firmly dropped, the R8 literally stopped people in their tracks earlier this year. Perhaps one of the most joyous moments of my life was finding a long tunnel just outside London, gunning the accelerator and screeching like a massive girl as the V10 engine went to work perforating my ear drums… and anus. The R8 is still a rare beast on our roads and definitely a wise purchase for those among us who like a little attention on their travels. I think God invented this car with a little help from the Devil.

What I’d do to own one:

Tell every new person I meet for the rest of my life that I’m the founder of the Ricky Martin Appreciation Society while gyrating wildly against their legs.

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