It’s probably a fact that modern footballers spend just 5.8 percent of their time actually playing football. The rest is devoted to taking out super injunctions, inane Twitter banter and watching repeats of Top Gear on a massive telly.
So it’s exciting to hear news of a football game which will accurately recreate the world of these multi-millionaire fuckwits. It’s called Lords of Football.
Only a few screenshots exist but one of them shows a footballer in a cream suit sprawled out on the pavement in a drunken stupor. This is a game which needs to be made.
Details are sketchy but it’s being developed by an Italian company called Geniaware and appears to be a mix between Championship Manager and The Sims. So you’ll have all the usual football shenanigans to fiddle with but also get to deal with your players’ off-field activities.
Each player has a distinctive personality and their off-pitch antics having an impact on their playing performance – a bit like when David James’ late night PlayStation sessions made him fundamentally shit.
But it’s not all about being an Alex Ferguson style killjoy, as the players can lose motivation if they are not allowed the right amount of shagging, boozing and punching people in nightclubs. They are precision instruments and it’s all about finding the exact balance
The players can lose motivation if they are not allowed the right amount of shagging, boozing and punching people in nightclubs.
So what else do we know? Well, it’s set in a fully explorable 3D world - which for a modern footballer need only consist of: training ground, mansion, hotel room, drive-thru KFC.
In the absence of any more details here are a few features which the developers should definitely include if they want this game to be a Crash smash:
Post match interviews: These test players’ ability to mumble replies which are totally devoid of passion, humour, intelligence or humanity.
Get out of jail power-ups: These can be bought by the jug-eared multi-millionaires to avoid prosecution for stuff like speeding, shooting trainees, roasting and such like.
Realistic language barrier: This recreates the international natures of modern dressing rooms in which few players know what the fuck the manager is blabbering on about.
Robbie Savage side quest: This allows players to rack-up extra income by dressing like an effeminate banker and talking shite in front of anyone with a microphone.
Training ground japes: These take the form of hilarious mini-games and include Shoot the Apprentice and Wedgie Wars.
Lords of Football is rumoured to be out in August but no official release date has yet been given.
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