Mystic Mike's Horoscopes: August

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As Sabotage Times resident omnipresent mystical entity, I will be focussing on your destinies and furiously rubbing my crystal balls until ectoplasmic predictions come spewing forth into the now drenching you in the future.

Cancer: June 21 – July 20

The Orion constellation manifests on your bumcheek. Perhaps it‘s an interstellar message from aliens on an Earth-like planet orbiting Betelgeuse? Possible, but more likely by a factor of 1: 10 it’s just arse acne.

Leo: July 21 – August 20

You like to think of yourself as sophisticated and urbane, but your idea of a cocktail is an 11am black coffee with a triple vodka ahead of the finance meeting.

Virgo: August 21 – September 20

On Tuesday, you suddenly realise you are a woman trapped in a man’s body which is held hostage by a dogs body, imprisoned in a cat when you cough up a furball, a bone and a tampon.

Libra: September 21 – October 20

Next time you fail in life, you actually physically hear a sad trombone inside your head go wa - wa - wa - waaa. It's me, I couldn't resist. Expect it soon.

Scorpio: October 21 – November 20

Although in life there is so much to do and so little time to do it you continue to resist most activities other than those you can easily do sat down and preferably without spilling your pint.

Sagittarius: November 21 – December 20

Your weight has always been an issue, but body confidence will make you feel better than any diet, as will secretly using much more clinically obese friends or colleagues as a yardstick.

Capricorn: December 21 – January 20

Variety may be the spice of life but the recipe for your existence forms a bland flavourless repetitious porridgy sludge of regretful tears with a pinch of salty bitterness. However, a small Scratchcard win next Wednesday is a major bonus!

Aquarius: January 21 – February 20

You reach a point in your destiny next Wednesday when more than 50 % of your life has been lived as a lie, so technically you become a fictitious character.

Pisces: February 21 – March 20

Tomorrow you will sense a strange feeling in your gut and interpret it as cosmic Intuition or a spiritual connection to the next world. It’s trapped wind.

Aries: March 21 – April 20

You find a wallet on the pavement and dutifully hand it to the police. They will take the cash out of it for a round of drinks so you should nick that first (It’s what the owner would do too).

Taurus: April 21 – May 20

You continually undress people with your eyes but on 23 September 2017 you will use your hands and get arrested.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

With the holiday season approaching it’s time to get into shape. Looking at your chart, the shapes available within your particular cosmic destiny are: amorphous, blob, bubble, splodge, globule or nebulous - so take your pick.

‘Mystic’ Mike Fairbrass @MrMysticMike