Friday 13th August 6am - 2pm

The first task of the day was to persuade the Sri Lankan cricketer not to send me home at 6.10am.I arrived for work at 6am but was informed that my shift was supposed to be 10am - 4pm.

Not a good start but he was sympathetic to my mistake and allowed me to stay. This meant that we were over staffed and The Algerian wasn’t in today, which was a result. I worked with Ginger for a couple of hours and we had a good laugh even though he took time to warm up.

A sweet blonde turned up and requested a Lipsalve at 6.30am.This was a perfect opportunity to work the magic.

“We have 3 flavours which one would you like?” I replied.
“Can you show them to me please” she answered.

I laid out the strawberry, natural, and lemon flavours in front of her.

“Your lips don’t look dry in fact they look nice and moist,” I countered.
She burst out laughing and started blushing.
“The other thing you will have to consider is the price, that will shock you” I continued.

By this stage she had transformed from a tired looking woman to someone who had been invigorated by laughing. She purchased the Lemon flavour and smiled at me fondly as she made her way to Paris.

The female Terry Thomas had arrived and I insisted on Ginger waiting around to hear her fake “Hello’s”. He departed for the big unit and it was Terry Thomas and I with the albino floating around and twitching profusely. I did a replenishment but made sure that it was very thorough.

I told the King about the mess up with the hours and he was ok with it and requested I work until 2pm.The usual Friday feeling was present, with most of the punters tucking into TPS. There was a Scotsman who I tried to encourage to purchase a larger bar of Galaxy for an extra 30p.He refused the offer and took it personally that I tried to help him achieve value for money. He commented “that it wasn’t the first time he had been away with his family”. Strange!!

Terry Thomas kept on going to the toilet to wash her hands every 20 minutes which is very suspicious.

I stayed an extra 20 minutes because of the guilt I felt at turning up for work too early. Have the weekend off.

The stocky Sri Lankan cricketer and the albino summoned me to the loading bay at approximately 6.45am to accept the Fu Go delivery.

Monday 16th August 2010.6am - 2pm

This is the beginning of a week of early shifts. We moved home at the weekend but in true Lithuanian style the refurbishment works weren’t completed. My son and I stayed at a friend’s house and unbeknown to me my son had fractured his collarbone on Sunday afternoon but I didn’t take him to A & E until nearly 24 hours after the event.

I haven’t bathed in 2 days and can’t find any of my toiletries and am beginning to smell like I work in a Spanish brothel. A consequence of Ramadan is that most of the staff are fasting during the day and subsequently have an excuse to phone in ill during the fasting period.

A fringe member of the Pakistani mafia phoned at 6.20am claiming to be unwell. This meant that the already threadbare team for the morning were going to be under severe pressure again. The stocky Sri Lankan cricketer and the albino summoned me to the loading bay at approximately 6.45am to accept the Fu Go delivery.

I arrived to find an ageing delivery driver with white hair and a limp schlepping 2 huge boxes of fresh food out of the articulated lorry. My job was to place the boxes in 2 cages and count the number of items received.

Fortunately the queen was present to assist me in this task and I took the cage to the big unit where I unloaded all the fresh food, which included, sandwiches, baguettes, sushi, pasta salads and fruit salads. Needless to say we charge more than Marks and Sparks.

I had the pleasure of working with the Cockney scrubber, who was subdued today. She had been to the Cotswolds with her Mum and Dad and arrived back late on Sunday night. Even though my first thought was “what is a 30 year old woman going away with her parents for?” part of me was jealous because I stopped going away with my parents when I was 12 years old.

She didn’t know the name of the village she stayed in because,” her Dad did the driving”.

The compliments were flowing from the scrubber and she loves working with me and it was quite pleasant working with an English speaking person who understands instructions first time. Thankfully, the ginger arrived at 12.30pm and he was buzzing. We had a riot for about an hour but he was moved to another unit. He is following the diary and goes along with it. He needs to be more discreet when voicing his opinions because the punters have been hearing his comments. I had a word with him and he’ll learn with experience.

By the end of the shift I was struggling to stay focused due to sheer exhaustion and stress with move.

The compliments were flowing from the scrubber and she loves working with me and it was quite pleasant working with an English speaking person who understands instructions first time. Thankfully, the ginger arrived at 12.30pm and he was buzzing

Tuesday 17th August 2010.6am - 2pm

Only 4 hours sleep and a new journey to work. It was pissing down when I set off with my cashmere jumper and golf umbrella. The first tube is an interesting sight. Lowly paid night workers on their way home and charged up City bods dressed up and ready to take on the world.

Once again, no bath and unshaven and my hair is beginning to resemble a birds nest with flecks of paint noticeable. Thank God I was sent to the queen for the day and we are quite close now. He loves it when I flirt with the punters and mutters my name under his breath when he has heard a flirting exchange with the female punters.

A large Italian arrived at the till with a street map. As usual I asked her how long she was in London for. The reply was 3 days but she didn’t know where to go. I suggested that the best way is to find a nice London male to show her the sights. Her eyes lit up at this suggestion but she was deflated when I told her I’m married.

At approximately 9am The Algerian stormed in with an empty stomach and bulging eyes and informed us both that “we have a visit today, all breaks are cancelled until we sort out the unit”. All spaces had to be filled and tidied and the correct prices had to be displayed. I was told to tidy the drugs cabinet and display the disposable cameras.

The Algerian was like a caged animal handing out bollockings at will. He tore into the queen when the queen was helping a punter. The albino had failed to arrive claiming he had overslept. Later in the day it transpired that he had allegedly been arrested on a bus trying to dodge a fare. That has to be the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard but at least he tried.

The rumour started to circulate that the overfed area manager had arrived. The Algerian kept on phoning every 5 minutes to see if he had arrived. He was shitting himself. Even the king came in and moved one magazine into the correct position. The first bit of manual labour I have seen him undertake.

I was despatched to the small unit and the usual lady from that unit was sent to another unit to create a false impression of adequate staffing numbers. The over fed area manager waddled in with the King. The King exchanged pleasantries with me which once again was an illusion to impress the over fed area manager.

I was thinking about the flat chested blonde again but maybe she has left because the turn over of staff in the station must be huge.

He commented that the unit was quiet. I misheard and launched into a lecture about how I’d only turned up 15 minutes ago and I wasn’t sure on how our turnover had been that day. His final comment was “you’re never short of something to say are you?” as he waddled off into the sunset with his regulation ill-fitting cheap charcoal suit. The king had been taking notes during the inspection but in reality it was just to impress his superior.

I went back downstairs and had a mince with the Algerian and the queen who were both congratulating themselves because fat boy had apparently said “I am impressed with this unit”.

The Algerian was hanging on every word and then started to tell me that his unit turns over £40k/week. He looked 10 years younger when the inspection was complete.

Wednesday 18th August 2010.6am -2pm

I had gone to bed early so felt fresher than I had and had managed to have a bath. The queen works hard and so do I so we work well together. He fancies this tall muscular black security guard but hasn’t the courage to ask her out on a date.

I asked what had happened to the 21 year old Cameroonian who lives in Belgium that he met recently. He replied “out of sight out of mind”. Book change over day brings its own set of issues and they normally involve the actor, the Algerian, and the cockney scrubber.

The actor absolutely dreads Wednesday’s. He knows he’ll finish late and get bollocked by the Algerian. The actor has been working 8am - 12pm Monday - Friday for nearly 3 years but still can’t handle irate punters or long queues of thirsty punters who are paying £1.65 for warm bottles of Coke.

I was thinking about the flat chested blonde again but maybe she has left because the turn over of staff in the station must be huge.

My TPS was very impressive today and according to the league tables I finished 6th on Wednesday. Bearing in mind I served 553 punters that’s a good result.

Friday 20th August 2010. 6am - 2pm

My wife’s birthday. I left my wife her birthday cards before I left at 5.15am.The tube seems to be the best way to travel even though its more expensive. There is a new member of staff doing the 5am paper shift. She is a devout Muslim with full regalia. It’s her second week and she has taken my favourite till. I’m never sure if its etiquette to shake there hands so I introduce myself and keep my hands by my side. Fortunately, I only stayed with her until 8am because I was spending all my time telling her how to do things, which I have started to find tiresome.

The female Terry Thomas turned up with her fake “Hello’s” and her ridiculous attempts to make the punters go from Snickers to £1 bar of Galaxy’s. She also visits the loos incessantly which means by the time she comes back I’m overloaded with punters.

I was called to the big unit where I worked with cockney scrubber and the fringe member of the Pakistani mafia. At the end of the week the scrubber’s patience is stretched to breaking point. She is tired and her voice raises 3 octaves. I clocked a slim peroxide blonde/white hair in the queue and as she drew closer I noticed her chest had benefited from silicon implants. At the same time I was engaging in conversation with her the albino turned up with a cage. He looked at me and I looked at him and I collapsed in a fit of giggles reminiscent of the first time I smoked marijuana. She was a younger version of Brigitte Nielsen and I just about completed the transaction of Tropicana Original with juicy bits before I started laughing.

This incident cheered me up no end and gave me the extra boost I needed to finish the shift. My TPS was very impressive today and according to the league tables I finished 6th on Wednesday. Bearing in mind I served 553 punters that’s a good result. I had a chat with the King before I left. He gave me my hours for next week, which are early shifts and I tried to discuss the expiration of my contract on 27th August. He told me we would sit down with his assistant next week.

Click here for more Newsagent State of Mind

Click here for more stories about Life

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook