Northerners Have Bigger Brains. Fact

The recent news that Northerners have bigger brains than Southerners have confirmed that what I already suspected: one day The North will rule over its weaker, dumber counterparts.
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Not my words, the words of the Royal Society. Of course, it’s something the more intelligent amongst us have known all along.

It was inevitable, really. One day someone had to work out that the fine people of the north benefit from the genetic advantage of a larger brain. We knew it, and if the folk down south are honest, they knew it as well. Eiluned Pearce (a doctor of philosophy at Oxford University’s Institute of Cognitive & Evolutionary Anthropology – so definitely, definitely not a quack) has been studying and comparing the brains of northerners and southerners and found that the further north you go the cleverer, more articulate, well mannered, better looking and wittier people are. No need to Google any of this, by the way, I’m reporting it verbatim.

Of course there’ll be (barely literate) cries of (pointless) disapproval from our (under evolved) cousins (with the proven genetic disadvantage of) living in the south but you just can’t argue with the (scientifically proven and verified) facts. It seems that we northerners have living in a long-mocked dark and dingy environment to thank for being far cleverer. The relative lack of light above (let’s say) Birmingham means that our eyes and brains have simply evolved to work harder and this has resulted in larger eyes, brains and far superior sexual performance (again, no need to fact check this).

After a few years there would be plants and wildlife occurring naturally right across places like London.

At this stage there really seems little point in anyone questioning or denying these FACTS but what we should do is look to the future and accept what we NOW KNOW TO BE 100% TRUE so we can effectively plan the future of our nation. It seems likely that northerners and southerners will evolve divergently, with those in the north becoming unimaginably intelligent super beings a bit like those brainiacs in Beneath the Planet of the Apes but much more attractive, while those in the south will continue their regressive development until they either become useful for little more than strictly supervised (I’m talking chains and neck braces here) manual labour or will simply disappear, rather like Neanderthal man before them.

When, as now seems inevitable, this happens we need to decide what to do with the south. May I suggest that we leave it to return to a natural, unadulterated state? After a few years there would be plants and wildlife occurring naturally right across places like London and this would provide an ideal environment for we northerners to take our super-brained offspring on field trips and short (so our eyes don’t start to atrophy) wilderness holidays. ‘And this, my evolutionary superior children,’ we would say, ‘is where the Southerndertals used to live.’ Marvellous.

Remember, science has now proven that this is an inevitably – so you best get used to it, my little (brained) southern chums.

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