Sex symbol or not, being his wingman must've been a challenge
Of all the unexpected consequences of Osama Bin Laden’s death, few could have anticipated a sudden surge in calls to psychotherapists across West London. At first Dr Ruben Klein thought that the requests to see him on this delicate matter were a hoax but soon the trickle became a torrent and he realised that he was witnessing a genuine phenomenon. Hundreds of women were calling Dr Klein and many of his colleagues, to express their secret attraction towards ‘the world’s most wanted terrorist’, their profound sorrow at his demise and the terrible guilt they felt regarding their perverse feelings.
‘It is extremely common for imprisoned serial killers to receive a vast amount of fan mail from desperate, confused women. The Yorkshire Ripper, for example, is so popular that he has to employ a fellow prisoner as a secretary to filter out the cranks from the genuine love letters. Therefore, on one level, it is unsurprising that the world’s biggest killer has garnered such a massive following’ said Dr Klein.
Dr Klein went on to explain that it was generally bored housewives who harboured this bizarre obsession – strangely enough, especially those with husbands who worked in the financial sector. ‘The lusting after unobtainable pop stars and so forth is common amongst teenagers but to see its manifestation amongst respectable, educated thirty something women is quite a surprise. Such is the extent of this trend that my colleagues and I have already given it a name – ‘Osamour syndrome’. The Freudians amongst us are now referring to the feelings the jealous husbands have been mentioning during their sessions as ‘beard envy’ – but you know how silly they can be.’
Another lady spoke of an S&M club in the East End that she frequented which had an ‘Afghan cave’ section. She confessed to having dressed up in a Burqua and engaging in some role-playing there with a Bin Laden look-a-like
Dr Klein referred me to support group that had been set up for these obsessed women called ‘The Tora Bora Widows’ and I got a girlfriend of mine to join it and report back. What she relayed shocked me. The twenty five Burqua-clad ladies (one of whom had eyes suspiciously like those of Nigella Lawson) who met up in a church hall off Portobello Road spoke of the ‘mesmeric’ quality of Bin Laden’s eyes and their fantasies about ‘explosive sex’ and ‘caveman loving’. When my friend questioned them further about their attraction they explained that he was tall, tanned, charismatic and, unlike their husbands, neither obese nor bald. ‘He wasn’t a boozer, didn’t do drugs, knew how to handle a gun and was obviously highly fertile – what’s not too like?’ said one referring to his twenty plus children.
Another lady spoke of an S&M club in the East End that she frequented which had an ‘Afghan cave’ section. She confessed to having dressed up in a Burqua and engaging in some role-playing there with a Bin Laden look-a-like. When pushed for further details she relayed a conversation that went something like this: ‘Is that an AK47 in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me? Oh … it is an AK47’. She neglected to divulge how the encounter progressed but muttered something about not having lived until you’ve ‘been laiden by Bin Laden’.
It would be easy to dismiss these women as a confused minority but a recent poll revealed that 47% of British women felt a ‘strong’ or ‘quite strong’ attraction towards Bin Laden (the same poll showed that only 23% said the same about their husbands). Whilst women have always been drawn to bad boys Dr Klein argues that this peculiar phenomenon is indicative of a greater malaise: ‘It is a terribly sad state of affairs. These frustrated women are obviously so dissatisfied with their tedious husbands that even a mass murderer seems preferable by comparison’ – another frightening truism in these troubled times.
Just Business, by Geraint Anderson, is out on June 9th. Click here for more information and look out for an exclusive extract...
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