1: The Drag Shot
Any one of my friends who plays rugby will instantly dress up as a girl, at any given opportunity. Why do you do this lads? Is it the feel of the softer material on your skin? The freedom your nether regions get when they're allowed to hang low in a floaty dress? Seriously. I don't get it. I'm a girl and I'm not *that* crazy about wearing dresses. In particular I don't get the lengths they will go to make it authentic... and by lengths I don't mean ankle or thigh. Two particular memories that stand out here are when my friend not only dressed up as a girl like the rest of the group, he also wore a bra, which he padded out, AS HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE FLAT CHESTED ONE. The other one is my friend who not only wore a 'pencil skirt' because it suited his shape more, but he also accessorised it with a ladies (his mother's) cardigan 'because a jumper wouldn't have gone with the skirt.' I think from now on they should be called 'drag do's' not 'stags' and be done with it.
2: The Lads Holiday Pic
The obligatory 'lads holiday' photo normally consists of a group of mates with their arms round each other at the bar, stood in front of a line of sticky buy-1-get-5-free shots with stupid grins across their sun-burnt faces gurning down the lens. Often, as in this one, you'll see a token female who's been dragged in against her will to be in the photo. Often she's the hotel's barmaid and her face is massively awkward because she'd already shagged 3 of the 5 lads before she realised they were mates. What I both love and hate about photos like this is they seem to have a standard noise that they encapsulate, a sort of man-groan-roar of 'weeeeeeeyuuhowaaaaaaheeeeeeyeahladswaaaaay.' You've heard it a thousand times before. Normally in Benidorm, sometimes in Birmingham. It's the textbook masculine call of the wild. I honestly don't know how ladies resist. No wait, I totally do.
3: The Mooney
This is a classic bloke pose and it really is, with full pun intended, one of the cheekiest things a guy can do. As a person with a certain level of dignity, also known as a 'woman' I've never felt the need to bare my arse. Particularly for the camera. In my opinion there are only a few reasons that you pull down your pants and flashing policemen, buses full of old people or groups of tourists certainly aren't one of them. Yes I know this may sound boring and I have to admit there probably have been a few times I've been in a situation where it has been funny, and I'm aware girls (that are massive slags) do it too, but this is so a bloke thing. There is more than likely a pic in every bloke's Facebook where their mates have their white behinds out in the most random place they could find. I asked a male friend of mine why he thinks blokes do it and he said straight away that it was to 'show disrespect, but not in a bad way of course.' I appreciated his honesty and though if that's the case, I guess we're lucky that nothing comes out of the arse as part of the ritual. We're getting off lightly really.
Gentleman, I'm aware this is a sensitive topic to discuss, but I think it's time someone spoke the truth and let you men chaps know exactly how it is. YOU DON'T LOOK A THING LIKE THE MOVIE. Jeeeeeez. Seriously guys, you remember how good the movie was and how cool the actors were yes? And, you remember how fat your best man Dave is and how that dry skin you have round your neck is all over your rented Moss Bross suit right? Do you see where I'm going with this… Basically, you're not that cool guys so please don't get upset if your wife doesn't want to have the 5ft by 6ft canvas that you had printed of your 'Tarantino moment' hanging over the bed. But you know, if you want to spoof it and add a hit of irony when you're pretending that you are Mr Blonde? Fill your boots.
5: The 'Wasted' Shot
There's always one bloke who's more wasted than their mates. I can imagine you always hope it's not you because you know the extreme lengths you've gone to in the past to utterly ruin your friends when they've been in this state. I once witnessed this first hand at a house party; a friend of mine had passed out unconscious on the sofa so the other lads proceeded to strip him, shave off his eyebrows and pubes and then superglue his pubes on his face. IN PLACE OF HIS EYEBROWS. They also used his pubes to stick on a fetching goatee and then drew filth all over his body in permanent marker before taking photos of him. Fortunately for my friend these were the days before Facebook. Suffice to say the poor guy had a panic attack when he woke up in the morning and as I was a young 15 year old at the time surrounded by immature 16 year old lads I was the lucky one who had to comfort him. Well, by comfort I mean I helped him tear off his pube-brows. Not my fondest memory.
6: The 'Gay Chicken' Shot
I can never get my head around this type of photo. If I were to be very generic for a moment and stereotype a typical 'straight bloke' I'd say on a whole, guys love watching girls kiss but would 'never' do the same with their mates. In fact often the suggestion makes them squirm in disgust. Photos like this remind me of that scene in American Pie 2 when the two girls kiss in order to see the lengths the guys will go to to see two girls 'getting it on' with each other. I've actually tried that in real life, it didn't work. What baffles me therefore is that even though many guys recoil at the thought of it, they always seem to have the odd kissing photo 'accidentally' in their collection. The only rational I can put behind it is this; in that split second before the flash goes off and their adrenaline/alcohol leves are skyhigh they get an overpowering surge of I-must-do-something-hilarious-as-I-am-a-lad and grab the guy next to them and kiss them, full on. On the lips. That or there's millions of blokes desperate to come out.
7: The Rude Sign Shot
Maybe it's because I grew up near a 'Bellend Lane' and I've always been on the hunt for something better, but I truly find there is something hugely rewarding when you're on your travels and you come across a sign that is suggestively rude or ridiculous. Seeing a naughty word on a 'grown up' sign brings out the immature side in the most sensible of people. Lads in particular relish in this moment.
8: The 'Guns' Shot
No matter how big or small, there's something about positioning your body in a certain way that makes men think they look like they have muscles. It's normally around this time that the nearest female is invited to 'the gun show' too which is an event that I've always politely turned down for fear of being overcome with a need to mock and belittle. I guess in all honesty this pose is the equivalent to the female tits-out-stomach-in-lips-pout pose but in all seriousness lads, put the guns away, you're only turning yourself on.
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