Queen Horder

They're just keepsakes I tell myself, you might want to use it someday. What? A receipt from 2004, I'll almost certainly need that at some point in the future.
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So here I am, packing. Again. I can’t really be bothered. It’s depressing. It reminds me of all my failings; my inefficient money saving skills, my penchant for changing my mind right at the last minute and my inability to throw things away. So, rather than properly pack which is what I should be doing, I decided to make a list. A list of every single little bit of crap that I have found in my room. This will... 1. Serve as a reminder to myself that I need to visit the charity shop and the rubbish tip every so often and 2. A warning to you that the world of hording is a very dangerous one...

1 pair of heart shaped toe separators, they’re covered in glitter and, having just tried them on, they hurt.

20 Copies of Cosmopolitan Magazine, 15 copies of Glamour, 12 Marie Claires, 14 Companies – Approximately £100 worth of paper , very heavy. Very pointless considering they just sit in a box.

1 Polaroid photo of my Mum, Dad, Brother and Sister, the last taken before my Dad’s affair I’m not sure why I keep this as I have to hide it every time my parents come around which is, quite honestly, a pain in the arse.

A leaf that I once caught walking down the street – lucky. Apparently.

1 fake tattoo sleeve.

The cardboard packaging the fake tattoo sleeve came in (not stored in the same place as the sleeve itself) .

Over a hundred birthday cards given to me between the ages of 15 and 22, most of them just say Happy Birthday which is a bit shit. Note to self: Get more inventive friends.

1 miniature fish made out of coconut husk that my housemate accidentally bought back from Cuba in her suitcase.

6 pairs of earrings in which 1 of them is broken.

8 cables the purpose of which I can’t quite work out.

The box from the watch I got on my 21st birthday, I lost the actual watch on my 22nd.

3 Hot water bottles. It’s summer. Enough said.

1 Photocopied picture of my friends boyfriend and his friends, naked

7 cold and flu relief sacheted (unboxed / multiple brands).

1 Triangle shaped highlighter – actually pretty cool.

4 Mobile phones, all dead.

No phone chargers for aforementioned phones.

2 Sachets of Horlicks extra light. I don’t like Horlicks.

4 Bright pink diamond shaped jelly candles, at least they used to be diamond shaped until they were squashed under...

12 Notebooks, they contain important things like shopping lists, drawings of hearts and the boys names I have fancied over the years and, most randomly, Gary Bushell’s mobile number

1 Packet of plasters with pictures of Jesus on them, miniature Jesus model included.

A deodorant lid full of sea shells.

2 folders full of negatives of photos I shall probably never get developed, if I get them developed I shall probably find that they are all just photos of grass, or flowers or other pretentious bollocks my 17 year old self thought it would be a good idea to document.

2 televisions one of which hasn’t been tuned in the last nine months because I can’t work out how to use the remote.

5 copies of each of the student newspapers I contributed to during my degree, that’s approximately 45 papers in total. I WILL want to look at these when I’m older. Probably.

6 record sleeves I used to stick on my wall because I was a student and couldn’t afford art.

2 note pads belonging to other people. I’m not sure who.

The beginning of my novel, it’s approximately 1 page long, written in scribbled long hand and probably contains at least 600 spelling mistakes.

The attachment for a hair dryer that broke 3 years ago.

A wheel from a hoover, I’m not sure which house I stole this from, or why.

A ball of string that I’m pretty sure I intended to make bracelets out of. I have no bracelets.

1 bowling ball sized sex toy that I got given to me at a magazine. Maybe the one thing I might throw away.

£4.67 mostly made up in 2p’s.

14 Spare buttons for dresses I no longer own.

A bottle of Ouzo with a teaspoons worth left in it, an ex boyfriend gave it to me as a present - drinking was the only way through that relationship.

This list could go on and on and on and on and on. It doesn’t even include the normal things girls own the 23 pairs of shoes, the 47 dresses, the myriad of belts and makeup and hair products. I’m not even sure if I have enough boxes and god knows how the hell I’m even going to carry it all. The worst thing? So far I have only thrown two things away... A receipt and some dust. God help me.

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