Rage Quit, Spawn Camping And The RROD: A Non-Gamers Guide To Serious Gaming

Everyone has an opinion on The Godfather, but only gamers can tell you why Beyond Good & Evil is an essential purchase. But fret not, you too can blag game-savvy credentials with this handy ten point guide.
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Non Gamers are a dying breed - a dusty antique from a bygone era. The Wii’s idiot-proof controller and gimmicky lifestyle peripherals suckered in a whole new demographic of gamers. Care homes across the country were kitted out with Miyamoto’s motion controlled console to help the elderly residents escape the crushing bleakness of their surroundings. Nintendo’s shrewd Blue Ocean Strategy helped them shift 86 million units and ushered in a new era of accessibility. Games for everyone! Huzzah!

But even in this brave new world there still exists a gaping chasm between this generation’s tech savvy youths and the parents who raised them.  Nowhere is this more clearly demonstrated than when Essex boy Ryan Cleary  was arrested on suspicion of masterminding a global computer hacking operation from his bedroom. “I thought he was playing computer games in his bedroom”, said Ryan’s bewildered mum as cops swooped on her extended bungalow in Wickford.

Now, let’s get one thing straight: this guide won’t help you thwart digital terrorism. What it will do is make you look less of a clueless tit in front of your mates. And that, of course, is by far the weightier issue. After you’ve read this guide you’ll be able to feign knowledge on the topics that gamer’s truly care about; everything from the dreaded Red Ring of Death to the uber-loony world of Katamari. Hell, it even explains why you should hate Gears of War’s game designer, Cliff Bleszinski. Yup, it’s all right here, in easily digestible fun-sized chunks…

Red Ring of Death (RROD)

How best to explain the gut wrenching nausea that strikes all Xbox 360 owners when the RROD strikes? Well, imagine how you’d feel if you woke up to discover your loyal mutt, Fido, bludgeoned to death at the foot of your bed. Now multiply that horror tenfold. You’re still not close.

L.A. Noire

How can a game be excellent and shit at the same time? 'Tis indeed a mind bending paradox, but something that L.A Noire manages to achieve. The gurning, squinting, shifty looking characters that inhabit L.A. Noire’s world are excellent. The mechanics that drive the narrative are shit. Conclusion? Flawed yet fundamentally likeable, just like Detective Phelps.

How can a game be excellent and shit at the same time? 'Tis indeed a mind bending paradox, but something that L.A Noire manages to achieve

The Wii U Reveal

Aka the biggest balls up of the decade. Even the veteran games journos that comprised E3’s audience let out a collective ‘eh?’ after the Wii U was unveiled. The source of confusion was Nintendo’s barmy decision to show only the controller. The actual console was nowhere to be seen. In an attempt to placate the bewildered attendees, Satora Iwata hastily tweeted a pic of himself holding both the console and the controller.

Cliff Bleszinski

The Cliffster. Dude Huge. Good ol’ Cliffy B. The head honcho at Epic Games Whatever you choose to call the irrepressible scamp, one thing is clear: he's a bit of a tit. You see, Clifford is far too busy fellating himself to notice what the world thinks of his smug, self-congratulatory posturing. We don't like it Cliff. Please stop.

Rage Quit

In the grand scheme of things, what is a kill/death ratio? It’s a small statistic within a game that only you and a couple of your mates really care about. In the grand scheme of things, it's the zit on the arse of life. No one dies because their kill/death ratio (tee hee) dropped by 0.4%. So don't be a petulant bell-end and rage quit out of a game because your stats might take a hit.

Spawn Camp

Yes, it's tempting to stakeout your enemy's spawn and repeatedly kill them as they appear on the map. But don't do it. It's a dick move. What exactly are you hoping to achieve by spawn-camping? Does it make you more appealing to the opposite sex? Will everyone applaud your gaming prowess and offer to buy you a beer? No. People will think you're a cunt.

The craftsman responsible would be laughed out of the National Potters' Guild. Got that, gearbox?

Duke Nukem

If it took a craftsman thirteen years to make a teapot, you'd expect that teapot to be the best darn teapot around. If, however, that teapot spat boiling water into your eyes every time you poured a cuppa, you'd be justified in your apoplectic rage. You'd demand a full refund and compensation for your scarred fizzog. And the craftsman responsible would be laughed out of the National Potters' Guild. Got that, gearbox?

Katamari Damacy

Crazier than The Priory at full capacity, Damacy’s success is a load of balls. Big sticky balls to be exact; or to give them their technical name, Katamari. The aim of the game? To roll your adhesive orb over every object in your path, thus creating a chaotic ball of bric-a-brac. Yup, it’s as mental as it sounds; more so when you factor in the high-octane Japanese-pop soundtrack.

Videogame Blogs

Everyone in the world writes their own gaming blog.. Thing is, 99.9% of them are shit. The remaining 0.1% have a combined readership of seven people. Competing against the likes of VG247, CVG, Eurogamer and Destructoid is a waste of time. So don't bother. Do something more constructive, like pissing into the wind.

Staggered Release Dates

Aka sloppy seconds. Forced to endure the squeals of delight as those around you prod and poke their brand new toy is surely a breach of human rights. Any element of surprise or novelty is tweeted into oblivion. You've completed the game before you've even played it. Not fun. Worldwide release dates need to be mandatory practice, on pain of death.

Alan is the Editor of Digital Gigolo. Click here to read more of his work or here to follow him on Twitter

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