Vasco Wackerell. Eureka Couscous. David Minge. Susannah Gorgeous. Insipid Alfonso. Florian Gaspers. Anton Spoo. Glynis Fob. Cletus Doll. Rantapol Dutchboygym. Loadshed Don’t Worry Mathebula. Spink Colony. Chantal Biddle. Fergal Melon. Akbeladalada Ka. Bongo Christ. Johnny Moustache.
I’ve always loved unusual names. Perhaps it’s because I’ve got such a boring one myself (I know two other people called Nick Moore). Or maybe it’s because I grew up where generic surnames ruled (in my class at high school, there were eight Joneses and six Robertses). When I moved to London, the first person I met introduced himself as Alaric Nightingale. I genuinely thought he was taking the piss. I decided to start a list.
There are a few different schools of brilliant monikers. There’s your juvenile giggle: Phani Tikkla, Richard Head, Dick Tingle. It makes you wonder what life must be like growing up.
How did Peter Cockhead – now a retired transport director – cope with childhood in the bleak, hateful playgrounds of fifties Aberdeenshire? Did he, like the hero of Johnny Cash’s A Boy Named Sue, grow up quick and grow up mean? “Some gal would giggle and I’d get red/ some guy would laugh and I’d bust his head/ life ain’t easy for a boy named Peter Cockhead.” The hardest bloke I know has the surname Fanning. I can’t help but think this isn’t a coincidence.
Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined: deed-poll student idiot from Glastonbury.
There are the christenings that really should see children seized from their boneheaded parents and taken into care. What were Mr and Mrs Lauder thinking when they called their daughter May? Why did fomer Lush bass player Phil King christen his son Joe? Mee Ting. Somerset Council. Russell Sprout. Fanny Chu. Tom Bowler. Randy Bender. Annette Curtain. Roman Warrior. Susie Woosie. Dick Sizer. These are matters for the Courts of Human Rights.
Indeed, a magistrate in New Zealand recently prevented a couple from naming their child “Talulu Does The Hula from Hawaii”. Other monikers blocked from being made legal by sympathetic judges have included Fish & Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit.
There are the deed-poll idiots. Recent UK name-changers include Nigel Bottomface, 1986, Jason Bastard, Marmeduke Bagelhole, Mr General Ninja Ant and Aron Mufasa Columbo Fonzerelli Ball In A Cup Boogie Woogie Brown. These people are usually from the whacky-tie school of personal tragedy. A 33-year old IT technician named David Andy Manchester United Fluffyduck Cantona Wood told me that it was something “I always wanted to do, but my wife wasn’t having it. The day my divorce came through, I got online and changed.”
Somehow even better, are those folk with plain-as-day forenames and bonkers surnames: Georgina Woof. Mark Salad. Les Smoker. Lloyd Skull. Andrew O’Cock. Victoria Kitchen. Kevin Squelch. Nigel Dron. Simon Pint. Howard Sleeth. Jim Box. Giovanni Puma. Verity Windmill. Then there are the otherworldly, Pythonesque foreigners: Guido Ramsdonk. Topsy Fogg. Josette Bushell-Mingo. Spaz Getov. Ivan Gluggo. Twinkle Gottico. Orville Bjerk. Mandray Woo. Arlene Ballweg.
Anyway, here are ten of my favourites. I’m updating new ones every day at www.twitter.com/daftnames so please follow, retweet and submit your own favourites if you’re amused. Or, if you’re a boy named Sue, pop round and smash my face in. I’m really sorry for laughing.
1- Jihad Ballout: PR kingpin for Arabic TV channel Al Arabiya (rather than that terrifying prospect: a scrotum-weilding extremist streaker).
2- Willie Colon: Pittsburg Steelers player whose name might as well be Penis Arsepipe. Bonus: plays as an "offensive tackle".
3- Dr Funkenstein: WWII vet and Harvard Professor Dr Dan Funkenstein. Also a dreadful, slap-bass heavy Chili Peppers song.
4- Peter Cockhead: retired transport director for Aberdeen. Cockhead is an ancient Scottish name; most Cockheads are found in the country's north.
5- Yolanda Squatpump: American make-up artist who worked on The Usual Suspects. Touched up Keyser Soze.
6- Ken Sunshine. US PR guru. Head of Ken Sunshine Consultants. Represents Justin Timberlake. Married to Nancy Sunshine. Dad of Jessie Sunshine.
7- Burton Leathers: sounds like an awesome seventies British shop, but is, in fact, a Californian softwear engineer for a company called Cognos.
8- Cliff Hanger. Works in Burger King on the M1 near the East Midlands Airport.
9- Have-A-Look Dube. Footballer for Zimbabwe’s Njube Sundowns.
10- Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined. Deed-poll student wally, perhaps unsurprisingly from Glastonbury.
For more like this visit @DaftNames
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