The Bullet-Proof Jaguar

In this age of nuclear weapons, gigantic rats and aggressive stalkers it’s in every celebrity’s interest to own a bullet-proof car. Of course it is.
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We are too often hearing stories of snipers attempting to take out the likes of Jason Statham, Peter Andre and the Meerkat from those insurance adverts. Danger lurks around every corner so Jaguar have come up with a solution, the XJ Sentinel. Based on the latest super saloon, the XJ Sentinel boasts the same 5.0 litre V8 engine that’s capable of hitting 155 MPH, reaching 60 MPH in 9.7 seconds and kicking out a respectable 380 BHP. Perfect for evading a bespectacled fan, viciously dangling a Sharpie marker pen too close to your famous face. Perhaps the most exciting tweak to this monster is the fact the chassis has been completely redesigned to withstand vicious bullet attacks from potential nutters.

The armoured inner cell is made from specialised high strength steels with a Kevlar backing. The Sentinel offers ballistic protection up to level B7. To me and you that’s: multiple shots including armour piercing rounds (gnarly), hand-grenade attacks (sweet)  and blast protection against 15 KG TNT (Looney Tunes style). Oh yeah, the car also features substantial work to the under-floor area meaning any sneaky grenades that may have rolled that way will only make a loud noise and only mildly disturb the champagne drinking going on inside the XJ.

The ingenious aerospace-inspired lightweight aluminium body structure also allows female passengers to load the car up with Louis Vuitton bags, pet Chihuahuas and boxes of expensive shoes without affecting the cars performance. Jaguar claim you can stick a 500 KG payload inside and the car will still hit 60 MPH in just under ten seconds. That’s Kerry Katona’s ‘special stuff’ taken care of then.

The competent occupant protection offered by the XJ has not been achieved at the expense of the pure luxury inside or out. In fact, a quick glance over the car would reveal little to those not in the know. To everyone else this is just a lovely Jaguar XJ saloon and to the celebrity inside, it’s just a lovely car that gets them to Faces nightclub without the need to use those famous legs.

Bullet proof Jags, what will they think of next?

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