The Car You'd Want To F***

My search for the ultimate car has finally ended. It's not practical, it's not economical, but god damn it's beautiful.
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You'd never see Bond nipping out for milk in it, but he's not using it right.



In the last 25 years or so I must have had around 100 vehicles. My search for the "ultimate" car is nothing less than an illness. No sooner have I bought the next dream on my bucket list than I'm looking around for something else.

My 19 year old daughter tells me I must be very insecure. My wife has given up caring. My 9 year old son thinks it's weird.

It's not about price or speed, performance or status. I wish it was that easy to explain. It's far more complex. My taste is eclectic and my budget varied. Two years ago I became obsessed with finding a baby blue, diesel, Peugeot 504 pick up truck.It had to be that model and that colour. The sort of thing you see French farmers drive. After too many hours spent online I discovered a one owner,45k miles example for £1,100 in Norfolk.I had it collected and set about restoring this low mileage,but well used beauty to her former glory. I discovered a bloke in Yorkshire who specialises in new,old stock for ancient Peugeots and he became my new best friend.

Once complete I thought I'd created the perfect run around.It was diesel so it was economical. It looked lovely and it went well. The only trouble was I'd never sat in one before I bought it. At 6'3" and not on the skinny side it was a nightmare for me to sit in. My knees were up round my armpits and it cost me a fortune with the Chiropractor everytime I went for a spin.

So, fuck it, I sold it.

From old Rollers to new Volvos I'm forever chopping and changing then chopping again. This quest is frustrating and exciting at the same time.What will I find? Where will it be? How much will it cost? How long will it last? Everything is unknown. Well everything WAS unknown till the other day.

The other day I was lent a car that's been so impressive and all-consuming it has literally blown me away. In 48 hours I've hardly got out of the thing. My main stops have been home (to sleep) and petrol stations (to buy fuel). After searching for more than two decades I have found the dream of dreams. The car I can honestly say I could keep forever. I never thought this would happen and it's taken me by surprise. Not only does this powerful piece of automotive perfection tick every box (and then some) it's also something of an unbelievably brilliant bargain!

Buy a Continental GT and your life will be better. Buy a good one with a warranty and service history from a proper Bentley dealer and you won't look back. Use it, abuse it, enjoy it, just don't wash it.

Consider what it cost new and what it costs 5 or 6 years old with less than 50K miles on the clock and you'll get my drift.

I live in the middle of nowhere, up a track off a narrow lane. We get snowed in and need a four wheel drive out of necessity rather than vanity. This car is permanent 4WD. I am tall and I have child bearing hips so most cars don't fit me and I don't fit most cars. As a result I've had lower back pain for as long as I can remember. It hurts me to simply stand up, let alone sit down and drive. When I entered this car all the pain magically disappeared. The 92 way seats allow you to adjust every angle and element to the point where you are wrapped in the finest hide and perfectly, beautifully, cosily comfortable. You don't sit on these seats you are enveloped by them. They hug you and love you.

There's room in the back for a couple of Richards (if you're single and on the pull) or a couple of kids if you're not. Entry is keyless. This means you stand near the car and it allows you to lock it and open it by merely holding the handle. To start this flying machine you put your foot on the brake and press a button. The noise is enough to make you orgasm on the spot. Not so much a growl as a howl. This beast groans like a slutty porn star on Red Bull. The bulbous, gorgeous outline has it's roots and heritage in a bygone past that is fondly remembered but probably didn't ever exist. You know how people hark back to the good ol' days. Well my bet is that those days weren't so good if and when you were living them.

Think about it. In 40 years time our kids will be remembering the good ol' days and those days are right now. The memory rarely lives up to the reality. You know when you have something you lust after and really,really want you simply can't take your eyes or hands off it. Well that's this car. When I park it and walk away I keep looking back. And smiling. And thinking how bloody lucky I am to have the chance to enjoy it. It's iconic shape is not a passing fad like some supercars. It reminds me of an outstretched arm with the bicep bulging, tight with rock solid muscle. Like a bodybuilder's.

On board there's every boy's toy you can imagine. Myriad glamorous gadgets range from a dinky TV screen to a kinky device that dishes out a quick Sherman should you want or need one. It's hard to marry sex with style but this baby does the business.

Grab the gearknob and slip it into "D" (for drive) and she flies.In "S" (for sport) she enters fucking orbit.The sound when you put your foot down can only be compared to a MIG jet. Its supersonic and stratospheric and sensational. This is a car you can poodle around in or race in. It works all day, in every way, pisses over Porsches and it's bloody wonderful. Given she's got 6 litres and and a warren of superchargers you'd be surprised by how economical it can be. 20mpg is easily achievable. More if you tread lightly.


Now I'm not that keen on driving fast ,like a nutter,but getting behind the wheel of this express train makes you want to overtake everything in and out of sight.The idea anything on 4 wheels this size can hit 60 in 4 seconds defies belief. The idea you can break the speed limit in 4.5 seconds is madder still.

Bentley's Continental GT is getting on for 7 years old.Most examples have low mileages because people buy them and don't use them.New they cost well over £150K with a few bells and whistles. An '04 Continental GT can be found for under £40K on Ebay or Autotrader and around £50K at an official Bentley dealership. This poses something of a dilemma.Do you got for the cheaper private car of the more expensive dealer's car?

I'm not one to overspend on my cars and like most people don't get a kick from paying over the odds for anything, especially as we enter the second wave of a double dip. That said I like to sleep at night, not worry. There's no doubt the best option is to buy from an official Bentley Dealer. The car will have been thoroughly checked and any issues will have been sorted. My advice is to agree a deal that includes a 2 year warranty. This means all you'll have to pay for is an annual service, MOT, tyres, insurance and of course, petrol.

My knees were up round my armpits and it cost me a fortune with the Chiropractor everytime I went for a spin. So, fuck it, I sold it

Peace of mind is worth its weight in gold.The last thing you'll want is a Jack and Jill for thousands in the event something goes wrong. Nothing,but nothing that goes wrong is a few hundred quid to put right on a Continental GT.

I know £50K is a bloody fortune to spend on a car and I'm not talking about this amount of money with any flippancy. What I will say is that the joy and excitement and feeling of elation you'll experience by owning and driving this brute is worth so much more than £50K. I've never felt this strongly about a car before. It really is that awe inspiring.

As you float through the crap that surrounds us geophysically, politically and economically you'll feel warm and secure,cosseted in your cucoon of tan hide.You'll feel safe and happy that while the world literally collapses you've mustered up the bottle to do something that really isn't as mad as it might be. This is why you need to do whatever it takes to buy one.

Don't worry.If you're worried about finding the wedge here's a few money making ideas. There no harm in getting the wife to talk dirty on sex lines. She'll be getting paid well and she'll never need to meet the punters. Add £50k to the mortgage if you can. With interest rates the lowest they've been for decades you'll hardly notice the extra. Do credit card fraud. Whatever it takes, get the money and buy the Bentley.

Buy a Continental GT and your life will be better. Buy a good one with a warranty and service history from a proper Bentley dealer and you won't look back. Use it, abuse it, enjoy it, just don't wash it. This is not a show piece it's a life enhancer. Don't be precious with it. Push it. All you'll hear is the sound of the tyres and a little voice in your head reminding you that life is great after all. In strictest confidence, I touched 168mph on the M20 and the smile is still on my boat race.

One last thought.

Look at the sexy, curvy Continental GT from behind with it's fat arse and tight skirt and you'll get so turned on you'll  want to give it one right up the Gary. Now you can't say that about many things on 4 wheels.

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