KRAVE vs Alpen
The bland wishy washy Alpen doesn't stand a chance against the aggressively sugary Krave - basically Shreddies on crack. Is it a good idea to eat chocolate for breakfast? No. Does anyone give a shit? No. 3-0 Krave.
RICE KRISPIES v COCO POPS
This is the MK Dons vs AFC Wimbledon of cereal derbies. Coco Pops have established themselves as a dominant and threatening force in this tournament, whilst Rice Krispies quite simply look a shadow of their former selves in comparison. No amount of sugar can save them.
Winner: COCO POPS
FROSTIES v CORN FLAKES
This one is pretty straightforward: If you’re a sugar-fiend, then Frosties is the obvious choice. If you’re partial to a bit of cardboard in a bowl, then pour yourself some Corn Flakes. The best bit about Frosties, though, is the process of sugar coming off the cereal and into the milk, thus giving you a creamy syrup to drink at the end. Corn Flakes, on the other hand, start with no taste and finish with no taste.
LUCKY CHARMS v FROOT LOOPS
A continental draw here, as the two most recent American mainstream rivals face up against each other in a battle of the potentially dodgy additives. Lucky Charms certainly look the more appealing, with their eyecatching red box design and mercurial Leprechaun mascot. However, Lucky Charms are very much based on style, and not at all on substance. This is where Froot Loops steals a march. Coupling a flamboyant toucan mascot with a barnstorming logo, Froot Loops match Lucky Charms for style, but are so packed with banned flavourings and colourings that you’ll trip your nut off all day after them.
Winner: FROOT LOOPS
WEETOS v CHEERIOS
Weetos saw their eccentric chairman Dr Weeto take them from the lower regions of local produce to the Premier League of cereals, but up against local rivals Cheerios in 'The Loop Derby', their chocolate onslaught just can't compete with a four-pronged counter-attack of Corn, Oats, Rice and Wheat.
WEETABIX v SHREDDED WHEAT
Weetabix does have a big fan base though, so I’m sure that won’t go down well. In Weetabix’s defence, they’re filling as shit and I reckon a hefty bowl could keep me going until at least 2/3pm. Shredded Wheat probably would too, but you’d get maybe 3 or 4 bowlfuls out of a normal sized box; that’s just not enough. Weetabix thankfully comes in 72’s, saving us big eaters some money.
SUGAR PUFFS v SHREDDIES
Sugar Puffs have their big man up front in the Honey Monster, who famously played for Newcastle in the 90s and causes all sorts of problems for Shreddies. It's a rout, the Honey Monster netting twice. Shreddies are shit.
Winner: SUGAR PUFFS
SPECIAL K v SCOTT'S PORAGE OATS
Every tournament has its lame duck games. For us, it’s Special K vs Scott’s Porage Oats: to give it its correct traditional spelling - because why the fuck not? These are both grim. Special K tastes like a bowl of discarded eczema, and any form of porridge that isn’t Ready Brek is pretty much impossible to make properly. Going to have to give this one to Scott’s, since their mascot is a proper hardcase. Seriously, he’s a leviathan.
Winner: SCOTT'S PORAGE OATS
SUGAR PUFFS v FROSTIES
Sugar Puffs will receive no consideration in this battle for one simple fact: when you eat loads of Sugar Puffs, or if your kidneys are misfiring in some way, your wee ends up smelling like Sugar Puffs. I, for one, won’t stand by any cereal reminiscent of human piss. Frosties take this one comfortably.
WEETABIX v SCOTT'S PORAGE OATS
Two old school traditional cereals slog it out here. It was never going to be a high-scoring crowd pleaser, but the fact is, unless you eat porridge when it's steaming hot it feels like a mouthful of sawdust and spunk. Weetabix wins.
COCO POPS v FROOT LOOPS
Fruit vs. chocolate - well, colour additives disguised as fruit. A close match-up with Froot Loops getting an early point for convincing stupid young kids they’re getting their daily nutrition with each bowl. Coco Pops defence isn’t look good in this respect; not even the most delusional child truly believes chocolate is good for you. Coco Pops equalises with a taste point though, and then finishes 2-1 up for nostalgia. Nobody remembers Froot Loops.
Winner: COCO POPS
CHEERIOS V KRAVE
Nobody is denying Cheerios’ rich heritage. The erstwhile oaty hoop has been a staple of British breakfasts for generations, delivering a consistently high level of satisfaction to kids and adults alike. Cheerios are great. Krave, on the other hand, are something else. New kids on the block they may be, but they're the only cereal you could comfortably demolish an entire box of in one sitting.
KRAVE v COCO POPS
The chocolate grand slam. Young talent vs old timer. Lets face it, Coco Pops aren’t up to it anymore, they’re tired and withered (literally). They taste like chocolate, yes, but so do Krave. Difference is, Krave are fresh out of the youth squad. They’ve already fought all the unknowns and come out on top; now they’re ready for the heavyweights. One point for crunch, one point for aesthetic, and the winning point for not just bringing out the chocolate, but making it the filling. Final score: 3-1.
WEETABIX v FROSTIES
Two giants of the breakfast world come face to face in the semis. They're the Brazil and Italy of the bottom cupboard where you keep the tins and pasta and that. Arch rivals, years of pre-midday battles, decades of history. With Weetabix it's all about route 1, boring but effective. Frosties find the right balance between the old and new school. Tactically they've managed to keep afloat in a world of Johnny-Come-Latelys, and it's that consistency that wins them this tie. Unfortunately for them, Tony the Tiger has tested positive for a banned substance and will miss the final.
FROSTIES v KRAVE
After a hard-fought slog of a tournament, only two cereals remain: Frosties, the valiant, simple-yet-devastating, sugar-frosted superstar, and Krave, the irresistible up-and-comer that’s fucked shit up consistently throughout the competition. Frosties are undeniably brilliant, coupling a golden sophistication with a child-like sugary decadence that has cemented their status as a truly iconic cereal. If there was one cereal that could match Krave, it’s Frosties. But Krave simply cannot be defeated. For fucks sake, it’s little pillows of Nutella cereal. Hang out our banners on the outward walls, there’s a new King in town.