The Dating Scenarios I Dread

Meeting girls is fun isn't it? Well, no. Here are just some of the many things that can go wrong...
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I see all these women around and think what it would be like beyond actually getting with them. Essentially, I think about the shit stuff after the thrill of getting involved with them in the first place. The excitement and perhaps disappointment of seeing one another’s bodies for the first time. The concern they might look too much like their brothers, and how you might struggle to have sex with her afterwards if that proves to be the case. I worry they might have a windowless bathroom, with the extractor fan, or “isolator” in modern London renting parlance, working away much like coffee granules being burned by police at the scene of a murder to disguise the smell of a rotting corpse, whilst the woman you took out spends half an hour in the bathroom doing unimaginable things.

I think of all the pricks they might know that you'll have to meet. I've only made one great friend through an ex and had shared ownership of another through a late 90s ex, and even that ended somewhat confusingly as we disputed who made friends with the guy first. We broke up before his wedding. I don’t like big social occasions. Weddings, christenings, milestone birthdays, Communions. I find them, like jewellery, a little on the vulgar side. Funerals I can do. I got the right face for a funeral and it’s important to pay your respects. But for this wedding, I was happy to step back. She went. I got sidelined. Their friendship grew and I lost a mate who was, like me, a big Man About the House fan. I was never going to be able to replace him easily, and I never did.

I think about some of the things her friends might say about me. Such as;

"He's 41 and wearing a brace? Really?"

"He holds his fork low."

"I just don't get his podcast."

“What’s with the frequent handwashing?”


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I think about all those painful nights where you're introduced to their friends who've met your new partner’s previous loves. Friends who may see similarities in your physical appearance to previous lovers of hers that point to your new partner having a clear physical type she's attracted to. Her friends, people who know her far better than you at that stage, will be in a position to cast judgement on you, comparing you to your partner's past lovers like a who's the best Doctor Who contest, but unlike the Doctor where every new actor is feted to be the better one, you will be seen as inferior to every one of your predecessors. The Sylvester McCoy. It may be noted too that like the Doctor, you wear the same clothes all the time. Behind the scenes, some of her friends may even be trying to revive your new girlfriend's past relationship because they really miss her ex. It’s all of those scenarios that I’m not looking forward to.