The Fabulous Life Of A Facebook Fake

When did it become the social norm to update the world with mundane updates about your latest meal, nap or bowel movement? Are we all looking for a bit of Facebook fame?
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I must be going fucking mad. In my mind I reckon life is there to be lived. To be enjoyed and relished. We share time with our friends and families and new people we meet. It’s about experiences and seizing the moment. About learning, relationships, goals and dreams. Well, that’s what I thought, but it seems I've got it totally wrong. Seems people don't do stuff for themselves anymore. They do it for Facebook.

If you go to dinner with someone, you let people know where you both are (like they honestly give a shit) by Tweeting. When you get home you go straight on to Facebook and tell everyone where you've been and who you've been with. If there's a chance to post a photo of you both eating dinner then great. You can show everyone in the world what you looked like when you were there, as well as tell 'em what you ate and drank. How bloody marvellous. And you can brag about what a wonderful time you had. "We had such a good time we took photos of ourselves having a good time just to prove to our followers and friends just how fabulous and glamorous our life is"...bollocks.

I know this bloke in his 50s who used to be the boss of a small record company. Let's call him Pete. Pete always wanted a nice looking dolly on his arm. He went through a few rough birds then found the peroxide blonde he'd dreamed of. She worked in a shop but reckoned she was in "retail management”, you know the sort. She was after a rich bloke but made do with Pete. Together they were a match made in hell but somehow they deserved each other. They bought and sold a few houses, made a few quid out of property (like everyone else in the 80s and 90s) and had a kid.

They describe their God forsaken lives day in, day out, every fucking day, in deplorable, oh-so-boring detail.

Every Summer they drove to the South of France and scanned the over-crowded beaches for people that might help them with their social climb. They claimed this area was their "spiritual home", so eventually they sold up and moved there. Guess what they do now? They go to restaurants with their ugly dogs and take pictures of each other then they put these pathetic pictures on Facebook with captions that explain where they are and what they are doing. They describe their God forsaken lives day in, day out, every fucking day, in deplorable, oh-so-boring detail. Pete has a few hundred Facebook "friends" who are subject to his photos and cocky captions.

"Just got back from doomy, gloomy London. It’s so sunny and perfect here at the Cap".

"My wife's tits are real. Isn’t she gorgeous?"

"Look at my wife in her fur coat just after she tossed me off".

"Me with an old dog and Chanel the Pug."

"Wanked on the wife's face this morning. She says it smells like face cream"

This is what Pete writes every bloody day. Boring, repetitive, pretentious bollocks. His window to the world is his Facebook page. He can talk about himself and feel good about his life by attempting to impress his wonderful "friends". When Pete's not photographing his life and putting the pictures on his Facebook page he's chatting to his Facebook friends. Poor Pete, is this really what it's all come to? Shallow, shitty, empty relationships with people who don't give a toss but feel good that they're called your "friend". Can people really have 526 genuine "friends" or is it all nonsense?

Maybe they are all deluded and consider their lives so interesting they need to share every moment in detail.

It gets worse. It seems people are so obsessed with showing everyone where they are and what they can see (in order to put their life on Facebook) they film and photograph everything instead of experiencing it for themselves. Go to any concert and you'll see a sea of arms in the air all filming whatever's going on with their mobile phones. This means that everyone with their arm in the air is looking at the screen on the phone instead of looking at the performance. Which means that everyone with their arm in the air isn't actually watching the performers live. They are watching the performers through the screen on their phone, they aren't living in the moment and enjoying the experience, they are recording it so they can put it on a website. Now, this is a brand new phenomenon. People no longer watch and enjoy for themselves and leave an event with a memory. They film and photograph an event and leave the event with a phone full of imagery. They are removed from the action. They prioritise capturing the event over savouring the moment. Everyone is filming and photographing everything, everywhere, all the time.

We have a generation who tell people about what they were doing rather than simply enjoy doing it. They feel compelled to report their actions to their followers, fans and friends. Maybe they all aspire to celebrity. Maybe they are all deluded and consider their lives so interesting they need to share every moment in detail. I'm worried we are forgetting to enjoy what we do by preferring to record what we do.

Maybe Andy Warhol was right...perhaps everyone just wants to be famous.

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