Thoughts For The Day: The Wig

What are you supposed to do when you're getting steamy with a lady friend and she whips her wig off?
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Back in the mid-nineties, I was once round this girl’s house and things got a bit hot and we ended up getting between the sheets and things were going well, if not outstanding, I think we both recognised early on it wasn’t going to be memorable but we’d both talked up what we would be like together so we were committed to seeing this through.

And then her hair came off. It actually came off. It was a wig. Now I never understood why she needed a wig. Her hair underneath was fine once I saw it. I never had any idea she had a wig, though on reflection the fringe did look a little odd. But we didn’t need to have that moment. And given that she knew she had a wig, she should’ve been better prepared for the likelihood that in the event of having sex with someone, it was likely to come off. It’s not like it was never going to happen. And I was pulling at her hair, which I think most guys like to do, when this thing came off and I was like, “what the fuck?” What was I supposed to say? Why did she need to put us through this? I carried on like a trooper, but the wig remained in the bed. I felt like to kick it off would’ve been to acknowledge its presence between us.

It probably belongs to some Russian woman who sold it to pay for milk for her baby.

Afterwards she just nonchalantly picked up the wig and fitted it back on like a hat, like nothing had happened, like we should go back to pretending that was her real hair. I never got that. I don’t understand why women do that? You see a girl one day, her hair’s a certain length, and then the next day, her hair’s suddenly four inches longer and you know that’s not her real hair. It probably belongs to some Russian woman who sold it to pay for milk for her baby. Why do girls do that? Extensions never look real.

If you’re a girl and you have extensions, or suddenly get extensions, what do you expect your boyfriend to say? I mean, he knows it’s not your hair. To compliment it is slightly disingenuous. It’s not your hair. Help us out here. What do you want from us? Give us a line or something. The wig needs to be acknowledged.

Hear Daniel Ruiz Tizon’s latest ‘Please Don’t Hug Me’ podcast here:RSS iTunes

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