Unless you live up a tree on one of Saturn's moons, then you'll be aware that Miley Cyrus has been dragged across the Internet and called all sorts for, essentially, doing what a lot of 20 year olds do every weekend - wearing very little, shaking her arse and going slightly mental. Billy Ray Cyrus is said to be fuming at her actions, but then he did give us Achy Breaky Heart and that fucking mullet so he deserves it...
Flighty, feisty, and about as classy as a Pot Noodle full of fag-ends, Miley's grown up fast. A couple of years ago she was still a glitter-spangled product of the House of Mouse. Now, at the grand old age of 20, she's like the world-weary stripper who has to show the new girl the ropes. Repeatedly scandalising Middle America with her age-inappropriate raunch, Miley is determined to follow in Britney Spears' lolloping footsteps. Disney clearly forgot to reset this one’s neural net processor when she rolled off the production line. The problem is, her Dad's never too far away - so you might just be enjoying some quality time together when Billy Ray pops his head round the door, leaving you with an achy, breaky boner.
According to legend, Liv Tyler spent the first decade of her life completely unaware of her rock star heritage. Her mother, ex-Playboy Playmate Bebe Buell, told her than she was Todd Rungren's daughter, only for Liv to spot a distinctive family resemblance when she met Steven Tyler's other daughter. In fact, the similarities are unmistakable, from the pale complexion and long dark hair, to a mouth that could bite Robert Shaw in half. Steven may be a rock god, with the power to even make American Idol watchable again, but let's be honest - the dude looks like a lady. And despite her winsome appeal, Liv looks a lot like the dude.
Despite showing early promise, with an Oscar nod for her role as fucked up groupie Penny Lane in Almost Famous, Kate Hudson has squandered whatever goodwill she accumulated by appearing in a relentless onslaught of mediocre rom-coms. The female equivalent of Matthew McConaghey, there’s no role too underwritten, or female stereotype too offensive, for Kate to turn her hand to. She also seems perfectly happy to play up the genetic similarities to her mother, which would be fine if she had even a trace of Goldie Hawn’s appeal. Instead, all she inherited was a sunken smile, bulging cheeks and hair that’s less “just been fucked” and more “had to use the dog’s brush”.
At the grand old age of nineteen, she's like the world-weary stripper who has to show the new girl the ropes.
Lily Collins is smart, beautiful and talented. In her relatively short career she's already been a magazine correspondent, a model and a TV reporter, with many celeb-spotters rightly picking her out as the next big thing. There's just one tiny catch - she sends Father's Day cards to Phil Fucking Collins. If you can handle the idea of making awkward small talk with the stroppy, bald tax dodger, fill your boots. My hope is that something happens on the way to heaven, you change your mind and get the last bus home. Missed again? think yourself lucky.
Chalk this one up to good fortune - Petra inherited her mother’s striking looks and her Dad’s property portfolio. Just imagine if it had gone the other way. Billionaire Bernie might be worth a few bob, but standing on the arm of his statuesque wife, he tends to look like Sooty in a Mr Majeika wig. Don't be fooled by Petra's current photogenic appearance, Bernie's DNA is going to have to make an appearance at some point. And let’s face it, unless you’re carrying Perseus’ reflective shield, you don’t want to be around when that day comes.
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