As a 40 year old dad of three I’m constantly reminded by my children that part of my fatherly responsibility is to not embarrass them in any way, especially with my choice of attire. My standard look of button down shirt coupled with slim fit (never skinny) jeans and desert boots will ensure they can go to school safe in the knowledge they wont get the piss taken because their dad’s dressed like an extra from an episode of Terry and June. However it’s not just the unfashionably dressed that will garner your children unwanted attention, over styled wanna be hipsters can be equally offensive. I offer in evidence the sight at a recent school fair, on a cloudy but not wet day, of a chunky dad trying far too hard. His Pringle jumper and skinny Levi jeans were complimented by a pair of Hunter wellies and topped off with Rayban Wayfarer sunglasses. The contradiction in seasonal attire was lost on him in the pursuit of looking good and instead of drawing admiring glances from the mums they just sniggered behind his back. Somewhat cruelly I thought but such are the high stakes of fashion.

Taste is of course subjective and who am I to poor scorn on another person’s style? Well I’m going to anyway; here are 5 things that make me laugh, cringe, cry and/or scratch my head in wonder.

1.  Private number plates

Fair play if you’ve got the cash to buy a genuine private plate (for example mine could be SL 72 or 72 SL) and you feel that adorning the number plate of your car with your initials and birth year will in some way enhance the quality of your life but what really astounds me is the people who go to great lengths to make an ordinary number plate say something it doesn’t. They’ll achieve this by blanking bits of letters or numbers with fake screws or moving characters together to create a vague likeness to their desired initial or name. Why are you wasting time with this bollocks and no one gives a shit what it says on a number plate. It’s the automotive equivalent of a comb over.  My advice: save time, money and effort and just get a big sticker that says I’M A TWAT.

2.  Uggs

Have you got a mental deficiency?

Do you have money to burn?

Can you think for yourself?

Do you live in Russia or Siberia or somewhere equally cold? If not is your preference for hot sweaty feet?

Is walking with your feet collapsed inwards in such a way that your knees knock together something you desire?

If you answer yes to any of the following questions then you are entitled to wear Uggs, if not then print this out, stand in front of the mirror with your Uggs on and read it out loud to yourself over and over until you realise the error of your ways.

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3.  Animal design fleeces

If you crave the look of someone who benefits from care in the community or you’re a cat obsessed spinster nutcase it still doesn’t excuse you from turning out in a zip up polyester fleece with a poorly executed print of a pack of wolves smothered all over it. I can guarantee every town in the country will have these mouth breathers (often couples in matching tops) shuffling round pound shops or waiting at bus stops with their shopping trolleys. More than likely they’ll be stooped, limping or disfigured in some way and identifying their age and sometimes sex can be challenging. The men will usually lack the ability to shave in completeness so will have long errant hairs scattered about their face and the women will normally have several facial warts and hair like wire wool. I’ve no idea who’s responsible for creating these god awful fleeces but the minds of the directors of the company who came up with them must be a very disturbed place. That they decided to invest the future financial welfare of their company in such a product would suggest they were highly incompetent businessmen but in actual fact they have proved to be astute judges of the tastes of a certain section of our society. Presumably the people who wear these items are genetically corrupt and unable to breed; at least then these monstrosities will die out with their owners.

4.  Low slung jeans

Despite hating all the above I can sort of understand why for comfort, cost or the desire for individuality why someone would want them. However this doesn’t apply to jeans worn round your arse thus rendering your underpants visible to all. Where is the benefit for wearer or potential admirer? Surely as the wearer you’re constantly tugging them into the correct midway position to stop them either falling down completely or sitting above the arse where they should be. Or are these jeans manufactured specifically to sit half way down the arse? Like the feeling that takes over me to jump at the edge of a cliff, whenever I see someone dressed like this I have to stop myself from taking hold of their trousers and hoisting them up into the right place. Perhaps I’m just getting old…

5.  Fat women in leggings

Wrong, just wrong. Enough said.