Early yesterday morning the Telegraph reported that Douglas McWilliams, CEO of the Centre for Economics and Business Research, said that by 2030 Scotland will be 'merely a third world tourist destination…' A Scot himself, McWilliams said ten years ago that this would happen in 2050, so things must be rapidly descending down the swanny if he has been moved to bring forward his prediction by 20 years.
He cites lack of entrepreneurial spirit, governmental red-tape meddling and the fact that money keeps getting hosed up the wall on frivolous McNonsense like the trams in Edinburgh and the Holyrood Parliament Building as indicators of this potential malaise. Soon, he reckons, countries like Korea, Poland and Turkey will have an equal, if not better, standard of living as that of the Scots. But how will this affect Scotland really? We predict the following for 2030:
Hadrian's Wall to be rebuilt.
And not just rebuilt, but reborn as a 40 foot high monstrosity replete with electrified razor wire, automatic RPG turrets that go off at the merest hint of mashed consonants and hundreds of massive foam hands that flick the V in the general direction of Edinburgh and Glasgow. If the Conservatives are in power, then as sure as eggs is eggs and horseshit stinks those residing north of the wall will be royally and truly fucked.
Coup de Salmonde
Geriatric despot Alex Salmond retreats to his compound on the Isle of Skye in a bid to stave off a bloody bicycle mounted coup led by Sir Chris Hoy and hundreds of heavily armed members of the Peoples Republic of Alba including John Leslie and JK Rowling. Angered by the tyranny of Salmond and the so-called ‘chip-shop’ tax (a gradient levy placed on vegetable oil) the violent groundswell is thwarted by an audacious controlled demolition of the Skye Road Bridge. The violent uprising is left with no option but to be ferried across eight at a time by a small fishing boat constantly playing the greatest hits of Texas until darkness falls. The rebel forces eventually and reluctantly abandon all hope of overthrowing the brutally boring regime and retire with heavy hearts to pubs and off-licenses to drink from purple tins and plot their next assault on the kingdom of the one-eyed man.
The Tartan Army to be great again
Should this prediction come true the 2048 World Cup will be won by a Scotland team made up of ridiculously talented, fearless feral wunderkids who've learnt to play football by kicking around the severed heads of Americans who had turned up hoping to play a bit of golf and experience Edin-borough without checking the news first. Nothing makes footballers like abject poverty, outside toilets, and a shitty diet. Which makes you won... nah, let's leave it there.
Emergency EU Bail Out
Following the trend set by every single member country of the EU at one time or another, Scotland appeals to Brussels for financial aid, citing the ‘protection of iconic historical structures’ as their main reason for needing assistance. Upon successfully negotiating an extra 100 million Scottish Dollars (£43.57 GBP) Chairman Salmond sends a battalion of his best Bravehearts, led by former footballer Darren Fletcher, to the Forth Rail Bridge to protect it from scavenging joy riders intent on dismantling the iron structure to provide heavy armour for their Mad Max style vehicles. Used mainly on the pothole ridden former bypasses and motorways of Scotland these nomadic road warriors wage deadly war on each other and passing Tractors and Tourist buses as the hunt for precious fuel intensifies.
Nothing makes footballers like abject poverty, outside toilets, and a shitty diet.
Buckfast and Deep Fried Mars Bars being sold on the black market
And you will know it by the stench of thrice-cooked grease and trails of fortified wine, or something like that. National stereotypes exist for a reason and while I'm sure everyone in Scotland doesn't exist on a diet of bucky and deep fried chocolate, the first rule of a post-apocalyptic society (as governed by Hollywood) is that only the most heinous, deranged, disgusting and sexually immoral people survive. Plus two vicars and a couple of virgins. Should this happen, should the Neds rise as one and worship the great goddess TK of Maximus, then the battle for this artery hardening and liver destroying couplet will rage until the end of time.
NATO Bombing Raids
Following many years of fractious relations, full blown war eventually and somewhat inevitably breaks out between the reformed Highland Clans. As fighting between the Sheridans and Krankie families intensifies around the war-torn city of Dundee an emergency NATO summit is held in Paris where drastic measures are debated long into the night. Eventually it’s decided that in order to prevent all out civil war and to protect Scotland’s only remaining major export, the Beano comic, overnight bombing raids will take place on the Clanhouses situated in the respective towns of Auchtermuchty and Stirling. An eleventh hour reprieve is granted after ceasefire is negotiated by the head of the Free Scottish Jedi Church and known International mediator, Ewan ‘Obi Wan’ MacGregor.
Trainspotting to become the Old Testament
Well why not? The rise of the Neds will surely spell bad news for Burns and his mob of Haggis carvers so Irvine Welsh’s classic could easily fill the hole. A tale of destruction, deception, drink, drugs and loads of other stuff beginning with D, it would lay down some firm and fast rules for what to do when everything has gone tits up and the English are sharpening the knives and firing up the tanks.
Old Firm Dominance
As part of the ‘asset-drain’ measures dreamed up by former Finance Minister, and one of the so-called McOligarchs, Danny Alexander the old firm are sold to a billionaire Indian Whiskey magnate for 40 million Scottish Dollars (£17.42 GBP) who then promptly relocates them to the Isle of Man. Brand new stadiums are built at either end of the island and a dividing wall is erected down the centre of the island, complete with gun turrets and sniper towers. In a move sanctioned by UEFA a two team league is launched in which Rangers and Celtic play each other home and away 36 times a year with the winner going on to get knocked out of Europe at the first time of asking. Amid protests from Scotland three remaining football clubs Ross County, Hibernian and Gala Fairydean, the head of PR for the Scottish Parliament, Michelle McManus, steps in to explain that the Isle of Man is “an ideal place for them so all those bams from Northern Ireland can go on the ferry and that”.
St Andrews, Muirfield, Royal Troon et al to be surgically removed and transplanted to America
There is no way on Earth that the English would allow Scotland’s great links courses to become hunting grounds for the Woadish clans. Neither would the Americans, and as they have a bigger army and previous when it comes to moving historic monuments, surely they’d be able to create a massive jigsaw that could cut away vast swathes of the Scottish coastline and tow them to various points on the east and west coasts.
No noticeable change in standard of living in past 20 years is felt by residents of Scotlands largest city. Whilst an economic depression of Steinbeckian levels erodes the rest of the once proud nation of Scotia, Glaswegians are heard to regularly lament “Didnae ken whit aw the fuss it aboot, Glasgae has eyweys been like that, so it hus by ra wey”. BS
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