Air sex. I’d never heard of it until last week when the media splashed the words across Katy Perry’s distraught-but-willing-to-talk, face.
Gossip websites glowed hot with the revelation that Perry’s ex-husband, Russell Brand, had forgotten his stash of air sex dvds when he left the marital bombsite four months ago.
I was intrigued, not by Brand, or Perry, who allegedly cleans out her own closets (in search of more skeletons, perhaps?). Nope, all I wanted to know was what the shizzle was air sex?
It only took one click of the mouse to find out that air sex is like air guitar, only without the invisible guitar and Hendrix obsession. Instead of playing the guitar, the purveyor of air sex pretends to have sex instead.
A few more clicks led me to footage of the real thing: a compilation of clips from 2011’s Air Sex World Championships introduced by a bearded fellow, shouting: “This is not a fucking game! This. Is. The Washington DC, World Air Sex Championships!”
The crowd’s cheers fade away as another beardy bloke struts on stage to the strains of a pumping hip hop track. He masturbates an imaginary (and surprisingly small, considering) penis before holding something aloft between his hands and repeatedly flicking his tongue at it, like a demented lizard…he drops to the floor, onto his back and does the best impression of a man doing keepy-uppys with his pelvis, that I’ve ever seen.
Next comes a woman (pardon the pun), who mimes a blow job on the Invisible Man – who knew he was so blessed? It’s an interesting routine which swiftly moves on to a 100bpm hand gesture which culminates in her delicately wiping an equally invisible substance from her face.
My favourite, though, is the Keith Lemon lookalike who mimes to the ‘70s power ballad, All By Myself. With one hand down his trousers (not sure that’s allowed) and the other unbuttoning his shirt, the final scene shows him collapsing to the floor, dejected. Even in his imagination, this poor bastard mimes rubbish sex.
It makes me wonder what’s going through people’s minds when they’re shagging thin air: girlfriends, boyfriends, exes, fantasies – and does it help to use a prop?
What starts out as an innocent shot of run-of-the-mill living room soon gets weird
Probably the best use of a prop award goes to Peer Pressure: a 5-man outfit from Atlanta whose air sex video went viral in 2007. What starts out as an innocent shot of run-of-the-mill living room soon gets weird when a teenage boy swoops in from the side. Within minutes he is lying on top of the tan leather pouffe, gyrating with feeling. He gets up and another swoops in to show us his technique. Three more teens later, I feel for the pouffe and what it must have been through.
Legend has it that air sex was invented by J-Taro Sugisaku back in 2006 after a particularly graphic conversation with some mates. One minute they were sitting around bemoaning the fact that they didn’t have girlfriends, the next, Sugisaku was showing them what he’d like to do to the imaginary lady in his life. Four years later, the word had spread and the World Air Sex Championships were born.
I can’t say I find air sex thrilling or erotic, just morbidly fascinating, but if you fancy having a go, the 2012 World Air Sex Championship is currently taking place in Austin, Texas. You should, perhaps, remember the following, though:
1. No nudity – what kind of show do you think it is? If you’re feeling really adventurous, though,stripping down to you’re socks and undies is acceptable
2. Real orgasms (or ‘airgasms’ as one wag put it), are apparently not allowed on stage. Some of the Championships take place in venues which serve food – and you wouldn’t want that
3. Be warned. Air sex is the best way to expose virgins, or worse, those with limited experience
4. Air sex is all about giving your all. Even if you’re thinking about shagging a ham sandwich, Championship founder, Chris Trew, says he wants to see what you do with the crusts…
5. Air sex and dry humping are quite different. Apparently
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