10 Happy Songs That Make Me Want To Top Myself

The world cannot survive on Smiths songs alone, but there are some cheerful numbers that are just too much to bear...
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I've spent quite a lot of time listening to pretty miserable music; it goes with the territory of being an indie boy who has at various points in his life been rejected by girls.  At the same time I love a ‘Good Day Sunshine,’ a ‘Get Ready’ or a ‘I Want You Back’ as much as you; they genuinely put smiles on faces, shimmys in shoulders and have that magic ability to make the world seem rather nice. Unfortunately there’s a breed of interminably chipper tune that makes me yearn for something strong and sharp to put paid to the pain. Witness…

Eliza Doolittle- Pack Up

I know this is only talking about not letting other people’s actions getting you down-a 'Sticks And Stones' for the 21st century-but the relentless chippiness of this makes me want to pack myself in a new hessian bag and hurl myself in the Serpentine.

Bruno Mars-The Lazy Song

To be honest, any of Mars’ oeuvre could have made in into the list, but this makes it by virtue of the fact that I've seen at least 5 taste-free horrors put the ‘today I don’t feel like doing anything’ line as their Facebook status.

As an aside, the video for this has had nearly 350 million views on Facebook, proof if ever it were needed that technology should be not be made available for all.

Robbie Williams- Candy

Unforgivably bouncy, it’s the favourite recent song of my best mate Mark. Once we were driving through Provence and I was beside myself with a hangover. Mark put on ‘Forever Young’ by Jay-Z and without a hint of irony, said: “From now on, Dave, every time I feel a bit low I am going to play this song, close my eyes and remember how happy I am at this moment.”  He's had the Police's Greatest Hits in the CD changer in his car for the last 6 years. I love him.

The Beatles- Ob La Di Ob La Da

The Beatles might be the world’s favourite band, but McCartney should take a DM straight up the gary for this. Incredibly, this was chosen to close the Diamond Jubilee concert this summer. I’m all for shunting 'Hey Jude' from this role, but there’s at least 343 better songs of his that Macca could have chosen.

Black Eyed Peas- I Gotta Feeling

The tune responsible for that house backing track you’ve heard on every pop song on the planet since its release. I once walked out of a club in Maidstone when they played it 3 times in an hour.

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Phantom Planet- California

The soundtrack to some sub-Dawson’s weepfest from the mid-Noughties, and the definitive one-hit wonder. The writer must have done something spectacular in a previous life to have made a career out of a song that has the lyrics: " Hustlers grabs your guns/ Your shadow weighs a ton/Driving down the 101."

Michael Jackson- Smile

I don’t care that this was originally done by Charlie Chaplin, that Jacko was the King of Pop, or that he was essentially exonerated of the charges against him. He used to sleep in bed with children that weren’t his own and this is the sort of thing I imagine him singing as a lullaby to them.

Robson And Jerome- Saturday Night At The Movies

Another cover I know, and yes it’s tongue in cheek but the unfathomable smugness of these two quiffed-up knobjockeys makes me want to find my local multiplex, just so I can put my head through the screen in Cinema 3.

The Kooks- She Moves In Her Own Way

Sweet Lord, deliver us from the mid-Noughties landfill. I was at Uni when this came out, and it was continually played in the bar by nice girls called Lauren who thought the song could have been written about them.

Kelly Clarkson- My Life Would Suck Without You

The definition of lifeless American candy-rock for 8 year olds and adults who should know better. The video opens with Kelly on a swing, before she gets chased round a table by her fella who, frankly, is out of her league. An abomination in every way.

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