8 Songs Probably Written By Stalkers

New stalking laws made me think that innocent song lyrics take on a whole new twist when you imagine the author creating a shrine for you in their basement ...
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When you listen to the lyrics, most songs were probably written by stalkers and psychopaths.

For instance: Every Breath You Take by the Police sounds like it should be sung while sitting in a tree wearing night vision goggles and an adult nappy.

Even the seemingly innocuous (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles by the Proclaimers. You’d walk 500 miles? Really? That’s only normal in post apocalyptic future where the only form of transport is by foot or Gruffalo.

And don't get me started on Bruno Mars and Grenade. BOUNDARY ISSUES.

So here’s a round-up of the eight most secretly-terrifying songs ever to grace your ears…

1. Hey There Delilah – Plain White Ts

At first auditory perception this is a sweet love ditty where a boy reassures his college-bound girlfriend that they will be together, forever.

The reality: Delilah is a real person – American distance runner Delilah DiCrenscenzo. A girl Plain White Ts’ singer Tom Higgenson met at a party. Once.

In what world is it ok to write a song about an imaginary relationship with someone? Even the opening bars “I’m a thousand miles away/ but girl tonight you look so pretty” scream ‘secret bathroom webcam’.

You can imagine Delilah on the phone to her girlfriends: “Party tonight? I don’t know… Will your creepy friend Tom be there? The one I caught sniffing my coat in the bedroom…”

2.  Hello – Lionel Ritchie

The opening lines of this song read like a schizophrenic monologue:

“I've been alone with you inside my mind / And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times…”

A few verses in, the insanity continues…

“Tell me how to win your heart/ For I haven't got a clue /But let me start by saying, I love you…”

Here Lionel Ritchie breaks the cardinal rule of not being a total psychopath: you don’t tell someone you’ve never met that you love them. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be in love with someone you’ve only seen through a doorway.

Even if they have sculpted a Gaddafi-esque replica of your head out of clay.

3.  I Will Posses Your Heart - Death Cab for a Cutie

I could have left you with the title alone with this one. But why stop there …

“There are days when outside your window/I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective/ when we'll be lovers, lovers at last

I will possess your heart
I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas/I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily…”

Certainly a song you’d listen to while shovelling your new basement.

This is the exact song I’d imagine Trevor singing to Little Mo after a gravy basting.

4. Nearly every single song ever sung by Bryan Adams

Bryan Adams is undoubtedly the King of stalker pop anthems. Just take a look at his back catalogue.

There’s no way listening to his greatest hits wouldn’t end with a roll of duct tape and a midnight drive.

Undoubtedly the creepiest is (Everything I Do) I Do It For You. And not just because it came from a movie containing a naked Kevin Costner scene.

My main issue with this song is why does he keep offering to die for me? Or enjoy other ridiculous acts of violence and discomfort.

This is the exact song I’d imagine Trevor singing to Little Mo after a gravy basting.

5. I Knew I Loved You (Before I Met You) - Savage Garden

Ummm… What? Do you mean in a ‘I saw you around – I HAVE A KNIFE GET IN MY VAN’ kind of way, or more ‘I have this idealised image of a woman in my head. You come pretty close. Let’s make babies’ ?

6. One Way or Another – Blondie

Apparently us girls don’t far much better when it comes to the fine line between unrequited love and stalking a stranger.

Debbie Harry’s catching little number starts with:

“One way or another, I'm gonna find ya' /I'm gonna get ya', get ya', get ya', get ya'…”

You’re going to ‘get’ me? And if you’re having so much trouble finding me, surely I’m hiding from your terrifying Raoul Moat-esque advances?

Oh wait… you’ve found me… You ‘followed my bus’ and saw me ‘buying rat food’ before you ‘slipped back into the crowd’.

Sorry Debbie, I did mean to call you… But I’ve been busy, then I lost my phone and… ummm… wait – is that Ted Bundy behind you?!” *runs*

7. Anything by Jarvis Cocker / Pulp

There’s nothing human stick insect Jarvis Cocker has sang that hasn’t made me think ‘Gas Lighter’.

Disco 2000 – A song in which Cocker was so severely friendzoned by a girl called Deborah that he was content to memorise the texture of her wallpaper and put his whole life on hold waiting for a Y2K reunion.

Something Changed – By now you know my feelings on songs written about people that you haven’t even spoken to. So the opener “I wrote the song two hours before we met / I didn't know your name or what you looked like yet” has me reaching for my mace before heading to any charity shops/Indie gigs or other places where Jarvis might be lurking like a predatory daddy longlegs.

Pencil Skirt – A song about deliberately trying to mindfuck an engaged ladyfriend. Choice lyrics include ‘I only come here cause I know it makes you sad’ and ‘I’ve kissed you more than twice, now I’m working on your dad’.

You’re… You’re going to have sex with my dad?

Babies – Dude is so in love with his play pal that hides in a wardrobe and spies on her sister having sex. Then shags her.  Jarvis certainly likes to keep it in the family…

8. Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Look Rick, just fuck off – I’m not interested.

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