It’s now been thirty years since Bob Geldof, then 12, put together the first gaggle of popstars to sing Feed The World. It was a poisoned chalice that killed some of their careers, and yet also an unpoisoned one that saw some of their careers skyrocket like a rocket going into the sky. Yes, I’m looking at you Bono. And you Jody Watley. And you Johnny Fingers. Anyway, in “who sang what” order, here’s what became of the Band Aid 1984ers…
Paul Young – Paul famously sang the opening line “It’s Christmas time,” before chillingly ad-libbing the words “there’s no need to be afraid” for no apparent reason. This confused children all over the country. Should they be afraid? “Mummy should I be afraid?” they yelled down the stairs, their minds all addled by Paul Young. It was this kind of pointless dicking around with perfectly good lyrics that ultimately cost him his career.
Boy George – Next in came Boy George, hilarious dubbed BOY as he was obviously a beautiful girl. Or was he? The dresses, the hair, the stubble and a penis? The lipstick, what was the makeup about? Was he one of those homosexuals from films? It took years for old people to unscramble this unsettling visual conundrum, but now he’s hugely popular in Dictionary Corner, and basically everywhere else. He now goes by the name Man George.
George Michael – Thick haired bruiser George Michael got busted chiseling cartoon vaginas onto a toilet door using a screwdriver. Since then there’s been no word.
Simon Le Bon – Frenchman Simon (his surname translates as THE Bon) brought his Gallic elegance to proceedings, and he also sang the line “it’s hard, but when you’re having fun” which you might notice doesn’t make any sense. Unfortunately this was in the days before Google Translate. Now, like so many Frenchmen, he’s a philosopher.
Sting – Midway through Le Bon’s section Sting suddenly appears on his shoulder like a Ja-fake-an genie from a smoke cloud with a cherub’s haircut. That’s classic Sting. Unfortunately after this song he disappeared into a log cabin to fuck his girlfriend (now wife) for seven hours and no one ever saw him again.
Tony Hadley – Famously the only artist who had to sing-read his lines from a sheet of paper, Tony never really recovered from the humiliation and after a very short band meeting the following Monday he was kicked out of Spand Our Ballet.
Bono – Bono lucked out when he got to sing the plum line of the song which went “WELL TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM (Ethiopians) INSTEAD OF YOU (small English boy called Josh)!!!”. Its legend grew and grew until it was revered simply as “Bono’s line”. He’s since been touring the line for nearly thirty years with his band You Too (pronounced You Two), and he’s famously got a bandmate called The Edge who West Indians call The Hedge, which is ironic because that’s what Cockneys think his actual name is. It’s a very complex and farcical situation for pretty much everyone involved.
Paul Weller – the last of the soloists, Paul looked out of depth surrounded by such big hitters and it really knocked his confidence. Hence he disappeared into a shop on Carnaby Street to rediscover himself and emerged 12 years later with fluffy hair like a sparrow. He was also seen chewing gum and wearing a Fred Perry top.
The others – the rest of the chorus sings like a Who’s Who of a Who’s Who from 1984. Bananarama, who are now all mothers to Bananaramettes, who in turn possibly have their own bananas. Phil Collins, father of Justin Lee, husband of Michelle, brother of Bootsy. The Kemp twins, both of whom emulated their father Ross by going into acting. Status Quo were there upsetting the balance (sorry, a little Latin joke there). Plus the rest of Kool and the Gang, Heaven 17, Heaven 18, and two thirds of Heaven 19. What a great day out.