Mad World - Gary Jules (2003) Christmas is the time of year where suicide rates are at their highest. This song is the reason why. Gary Jules' wrist-slittingly depressing song may have worked on the soundtrack to the eerie Donnie Darko, but lines like "the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" don't exactly bring up images of yuletide family fun. Unless you're a turkey. That's My Goal – Shayne Ward (2005) He's not here to say he's sorry. He's not here to lie to you. He's here to make you sick up your sprouts all over your new DVD boxsets and ruin your entire Christmas with a Simon Cowell induced coma of a pop song. Christmas is a time to reflect on the year, a time to catch up with your loved ones. It is not a time to go around saying that your goal is to win my heart and soul. That’s just weird.
When You Believe – Leon Jackson (2007) At last, a Christmas number one with a relevant message. If you believe strongly enough, you can do anything. Miracles can be achieved. You just need to believe. At this time of year, we should all be able to look upon the next 12 months with a clean slate and much positivity. The only problem is that this song was sung by somebody who didn’t have an ounce of positivity or belief in him. Leon Jackson started his X Factor journey with the self-conviction of a roast parsnip and only got worse as the show progressed. An already short Leon seemed to shrink week on week, yet the public continued to vote for his unconvincing Michael Buble impersonations. Absolute, complete guff.
Mistletoe and Wine – Cliff Richard (1988) “Noooooo,” I hear a thousand over-65 year old voices scream behind a sheath of half knitted Christmas sweaters. “Not Cliff. You can’t knock Cliff. It’s Cliff!” Well you can knock Cliff actually. Preferably off a frigging cliff. We all need to take a long look in the mirror and be completely honest with ourselves. We don’t like this song because it’s good. We like it because it’s shit. We HATE Mistletoe and Wine. We put it on at Christmas time ironically, because it’s shit. Our worst nightmare is being stuck in a lift plastered wall to wall in Cliff Richard calendar photographs; the one with him at the beach, the one with him in a lumbers yard with an axe, the one of him with a horse, the one of him having dinner with Santa – with Mistletoe and Wine on repeat over the AV system.
I Have a Dream/Seasons in the Sun – Westlife (1999) Monarchs of the mundane, deities of the dreary and kings of the key change Westlife hopped off their stools and into snowy Xmas folklore with this “double A-side” offing. Its astonishing achievement is that both songs are so similar, the lines, melodies and lyrics are interchangeable making it impossible to tell which song is which. “I believe in angels, something good in everything I see, but the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time” About at Christmassy as Chicken Soup, this Christmas number one was Westlife at the height of their undoubted popularity. And Louis Walsh at the height of about 5 foot 9.
But the worst by far has to be this mostrosity: