Is Heart2Heart's Facebook Official The Most Ridiculous Song Ever?

A serious threat to Rebecca Black's throne for the most ridiculous song of this generation... and any other for that matter.
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Jedward's trainers... Jedward's pop credentials

Hello pop-pickers. This is “Facebook Official” by Heart2Heart. Is this a parody? We have a truly terrible song about sleazing after girls on Facebook, performed by fools which, at time of writing, has scored 300k Youtube hits and rising. It looks and sounds ridiculous, but is sufficiently tedious to be real. The main singing boy apparently has form for doing pop pastiches but the band is backed by Lance Bass of N'Sync fame. Who knows? Let's look at the evidence.

0:00 – 0:05: We're inside yet another iPhone. You'll pay yet, Steve Jobs.

0:06 – 0:10: They are teleporting warriors from the future. They are going to rule.

0:11 – 0:20: Quick montage of the band members. We have, in order; Chad (singer), Windswept,  Ratboy, Simpleton and Shame. But wow! Check this! It's Lance the cosmonaut himself, trying to sound like he's from space. Better luck next time, Lance.

0:21 – 0:36: Chad fervently tells all the ladies watching how severely he's going to fuck them. It's getting intense. The fat string chords are rising, building, swelling... this song is going to OWN.

0:37 onwards: The song starts properly. It's awful, obviously. There is K-Pop there, the upbeat Korean style which is not my cup of tea but done well there's some blingy, superficial merit, like Big Bang*1. Mostly it's the standard dirge of modern mobile phone music. There's no joy to it, it plods in a weak R'n'B way like most modern pop music. Even Rebecca Black's number had a rap break by that Usher-a-like to break up the procession. This is so bland, so soulless, so boring it sounds sincere.

0:38: 'MySpace is dead'. Ooh, burn.

0:53: 'I met you last week when we played flip cup'. I am no teenager so I didn't know what it meant so I assumed 'flip cup' was one of those sex games that children these days like to play, like rainbow  parties*2. Apparently though, it's a drinking game and I'm down with that. Count me in, Heart2Heart.

0:55 – 1:20: Bridge and chorus. They do some silly dancing in their stupid clothes and haircuts and the song does not improve. It slouches along. It's miserable and joyless music, it cannot be a joke, surely? On the other hand, their haircuts are so unwearable, the dance moves are so unsexy, maybe it is? There are highlights. The line about accepting 'terms of service' is quite funny. We also get to see some young lasses crowding around a laptop, getting down to the boys' mournful trudge.

2:08 – 2:13: More moves from Ratboy. I don't like you. You're sleazy, even by the low standards of this video. And you smirk.

2:18 – 2-19: The girls are back, hooray. They might be a bit young for me, unfortunately. Look, you can see down the blonde girl's top! Heh heh.

2:30 – 2:40: A really shit dance.

2:41 – 3:14: The rest of the boring song plays out. A parody would have given us more.

3:15 – end: Unwarranted dramatic finish.

Is it a joke or not? It's hard to tell, and I'm not sure it matters. At the time of writing, Christina and Maroon 5's 'Moves Like Jagger' is incredibly popular, and that record is meant seriously and sounds dreadful to ears treated with kindness. I can't even tell if Heart2Heart  are particularly worse than anyone else. It may all be just a laugh, but there is a sad element. I always liked my pop stars to be unreachable, better than us. We can tell these guys aren't proper Pop Stars – magical, other-worldly figures with limos and Las Vegas – they are just teenage auditionees, on $15 a day expenses, gritting their teeth and hoping for a break. They don't like it any more than we do. It's a sad indictment of the modern Cowell-style sausage factory (in all senses).

*1 - Popular Big Bang song
*2 -


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