Still haunted by the World Cup? Our national football team may play like drunk crabs at high tide, but there are certain pastimes we still excel at in this country. One of them is music. Below is an alternative eleven that perhaps we should have sent to Brazil all along. Christ, they couldn't have done any worse.....
Goalkeeper: Ray Davies
With his poetic realism and icy mannerisms, Ray could bring a beta blocker calmness to his role between the sticks. He could even bring his Lola A game to the team which would probably bring a whole new, colourful support to England games, and please Robbie Savage.
Left Back: Lemmy
Like a cartoon Tasmanian devil, Lemmy's natural aggression would worry the opposition into a restraining order over the course of ninety minutes. Although haunted by his own feet, his lack of ability would be balanced out by the cock a leekie competitiveness of his furnace mind.
He is also the only person Suarez wouldn't take a bite out of. Not without a tetanus jab anyway.
Centre Half: Brian Eno
The oblique centre half, Brian Eno would definitely be the talk of any tournament with his free thinking and avant garde offside trap concerning pieces of white card and a Berlin orchestra. He also more importantly possesses a massive forehead. Essential when you're under the cosh in the last ten minutes and one nil up. Oblique or not.
Centre Half: Mick Jones (Captain)
A steadying influence on the eccentricities of Eno at the back, the ex Clash guitarist would bring his vast experience and socialist principles in shoring up England's back four. His power chord slide tackles alone would be priceless against the free flowing counter attackers of Europe. Not the most pacy due to his hopping on one leg for years with the Clash, but a worthy captain nonetheless.
Right Back: Johnny Marr
If you've worked with Morrissey for all those years, then you've definitely got the temperament to handle the pressure of international football. Marr would bring a cool head to the back and a classic hairstyle that would be a sponsors dream. His Northern grittiness would also be handy in a ruck too. He could also take over goalkeeping duties too due to his elongated guitar fingers. A versatile number two.
Left Wing: Alex Turner
With Lemmy behind him, the Sheffield troubadour would have a licence to roam into the opposition defence. Mainly this would be the fear of going anywhere near Lemmy but in a team perhaps lacking youth, Turner could pave the way for fellow youngsters to break into the team. Albeit ones in snakeskin football boots and speaking in an LA accents.
Were all for sexual equality in this eleven and with her hefty frame and winning mentality, the London songstress could remove your average midfield dynamo with a deceiving shift of those rigger shoulders. Naturally aggressive and deceivingly explosive over two yards she could play the toad in the hole holding role in this team with gusto and be a major surprise in any tournament. Might be dangerous on the top of a goal celebration pyramid mind, but we can live with that..
Midfield: Mick Jagger
You don't weave past 300 angry bikers on acid at Altamont without having brilliant movement and Jagger despite his ageing knees could be our Pirlo in this team. His free form arse spasms alone could buy free kicks at will from even the most cynical of referee's. His goal celebrations would no doubt be like a flamingo dancing on a hot plate too. Essential on every level.
Right Wing: Keith Richards
With his almost telepathic understanding with Marr on the right hand side, Richards would prove an essential acquisition to the wing. Whilst looking like he was made in a garden shed, his athleticism and uncanny ability for sniffing out an opportunity shouldn't be underestimated. His deceiving pace would surprise opposition defenders too. If you can beat two helicopters and a sniffer dog to a Canadian border you can move a bit. Even if you last broke into a run in 1973.
Centre forward: David Bowie
A surrealist granted but Bowie's brilliant, chameleon like abilities would make the false number nine look like a dated principle. Deadly at set pieces and corners his metamorphosis from Ziggy to the Thin White Duke and back again would confuse even the most experienced of defenders. A slightly supernatural figure but definitely a shoe in. This teams one true genius. Just don't mention Tin Machine.
Centre Forward: Liam Gallagher
South American both in terms of temperament and outlook, what Liam lacks in discipline he would more than make up for in his ability to wind up the opposition defence. A classic frontman in every sense, he would probably have a red card or two in him but even then could turn a sending off into a sublime art form. His walking from the pitch would be priceless. The BBC would probably play classical music over it. It would be a beautiful thing.
Manager: Jimmy Page
Probably the only man capable of herding our eccentric eleven into a working machine, the Grand Priest of rock and roll could call on his vast experience of conquering the entire world and keeping the same hairstyle without any irony for decades at a time. If things were going tits up in a semi final he could always conjure up Satan too. They follow each other on twitter apparently.