To great acclaim, Noel Gallagher has just popped up and declared that all Oasis videos are shit. I concur. And taking Mr. Gallagher’s lead, I’d contend that practically all music videos are shit. Yes, even that one on the treadmill. As a slim, attractive and highly available child, primed and ripe for the picking (it never happened, always the page boy, never the bride) there seemed to be a ‘revolutionary’ new video every ten minutes, with revolutionary appearing to mean ‘we’ve found a director with even more blow in his system’. Since those storied days, videos have transformed from the ridiculous to the sublime. But are still shit. Now, just as the world demanded, I shall debunk some of the classics of the genre. And yes, I do have better things to do, thank you for asking.
NEW ORDER - TRUE FAITH
“What you planning to do for your final art project?”
“Thought I’d stick some packing tape and coloured cavity wall insulation on some pricks and have then jig about a bit in the precinct – call it Angst or something.”
“Oh, you can’t do that. Tasmin’s doing that.”
“Damn! Being fifteen is really hard.”
I’m amazed that the phrase ‘sooty lady dressed as a turtle doing sign language’ hasn’t become shorthand for ‘all that is shit in the world’. As in: “Have you heard about the situation in Syria?”
“Yeah, it’s totally sooty lady dressed as a turtle doing sign language.”
DIRE STRAITS - MONEY FOR NOTHING
I do appreciate that this was the first time that computer animation had ever been seen by non-scientific eyes, but perhaps they should have waited until the 2.0 version came along before unleashing this blocky cak on the planet. The bullied and other geeks everywhere instantly jizzed when they witnessed these poorly rendered versions of Eddie Large and Iain Lee, realising they were only 18 years away from computer animation you can actually look at without clawing at your retinas. And, as the Bible states, ‘Sting makes everything shit’.
DURAN DURAN – WILD BOYS
As a child wuss (as opposed to the fully grown, burly, bearded wuss I am now) the strange creature that pops up and nearly takes a chunk out of Simon’s damp face scared the living shit out of me. Now I realise it resembles a poorly constructed pocket pussy with teeth (commercially available as ‘Pocket Pussy… with teeth’ – probably big in Japan). My favourite part is John Taylor, strapped to the roof of a Cortina, having words like ‘Cars’ and ‘Girls’ flashing before him on a dystopic television screen. ‘No, no. Please don’t show me the words ‘cars’ and ‘girls’, it’s all too horrific and Road Warrior like’. And the Rustie Lee bits obviously. Was it all a dream that Rustie was having? Possibly on the TV-AM set? I’d like to think so. In an unrelated matter, tickets to Fuerzabruta at the Roundhouse are still available.
MICHAEL JACKSON – BLACK OR WHITE
A video that proves that no matter what racial stereotypes you put Michael Jackson up against he still manages to look weird. People went ape doody over the face morphing sequence when this thing landed in 1991. Admittedly, it’s shorter and less traumatising than I remember, though I was doing quite a bit of acid in the early nineties. To this day, if I’m having sex with a red-headed woman, at some point their face will transform into that of a large dreadlocked man with a beard. I will not be commenting on the moment that that an 11 year old Macaulay Culkin looks at the camera and shouts ‘eat it’ or how frequently MJ rewound that particular part.
AHA – TAKE ON ME
It’s mainly drawings. Like you, I also remembered this video as a sensational cataclysm of cutting edge animation intermingled with live action, resulting in an overall ‘how did they do that?’ sensation. But looking at it now, there are just a lot of drawings. Static drawings. And then scribbly cartoon doodles of Morten Harket. And who wasn’t producing hundreds and hundreds of Morten Harket drawings in 1986? I know I was. But in these ones he keeps those tight leather trousers firmly in place and weren’t subsequently smeared with excrement, stuffed into an envelope and mailed to ‘Cunt, Norway’. I was going through some stuff at the time.
MADONNA – LIKE A PRAYER
The Pope actually walked up to Madonna and punched her in the tits after the release of this video. It was simply that controversial. Though watching it now, it’s hard to remember which was the part which would subject me to eternal damnation. The foot fellatio? Probably the foot fellatio. Or the bit where Madge wanks one off to that Etch-Sketch picture of Sister Wendy? Possibly that entire ‘stigmata glory hole’ sequence? Jesus, it looks so tame now. Holland & Barrett commercials are more blood-splattered and blasphemous.
PAUL SIMON – YOU CAN CALL ME AL
What happened in 1986 that convinced us this was the funniest thing that had ever happened? The first series of Bread was on the television, so there was that. But I think this is one of the rare occasions that we can’t directly blame Carla Lane. The hilarity appears to be based on the fact that one of them is tall and the other quite short. In which case I don’t understand why my sitcom ‘Shilton and Cruise’ (‘He’s a goalkeeper, he’s a nob-end – so why did they open a florists together?’) remains stubbornly unproduced. Possibly the global realisation that Chevy Chase is a hideous lanky twat that everyone hates may have also diluted the humour.
PEARL JAM – JEREMY
90210? That’s one of the flash screens that apparently shows Jeremy’s declining mental health to the point of agreeing to be the subject of a Pearl Jam video. 90210. Even for the nineties, this was an overblown shit balloon of pretentiousness, featuring Eddie Vedder possessing a continued anguished facial expression you just want to spank. And the worst thing is? It didn’t work! There is still child on child violence – possibly even more so. And still no apology. When are we going to get an apology Eddie? You failed, you need to accept that.