Sad not to be there (even though I tattooed #pricelesssurprises on my arm just like you fucking ASKED Mastercard!) I settled in with two warm lagers and five Cadbury eclairs to see the most watched collectively moaned about awards show, where desperate pop stars want to pick up the gong that this year looked like a man wearing a toilet seat.
Rudimental (Bastille were there too)
Introduced as Bastimental, which sounds like an electronic blender, really this performance was all about Rudimental. Pompeii started but when Ella Eyre came out Rudimental absolutely knocked Bastille out of the picture. When they tried to bring their song back in as a mash up, the Bastille bit was just like trying to taste broth whilst chewing on a Yorkie. Glad they won best British single for track ‘Waiting all Night’ - this proved it well deserved.
First half of Disclosure
At my school when they let sixth formers all perform together it ended up with a play from the perspective of Sylvia Plath’s oven. But although I’m undecided on Lorde (I like that she looks like a goth Debbie Thornberry, dislike the number of times I’ve heard clips of Royals this year) this collaboration actually worked in both their favours. Probably because Disclosure could make a great track out of my doorbell. It was ruined a bit when AlunaGeorge came out wearing a Kleenex. Her voice was so weak and autotuned that all the words just merged together so in the end it just sounded like “I’m just going to touch my butt.” Which might explain the giant tissue.
Haven’t yet cast my vote in funny or twat, but I like how much they clearly don’t give a fuck about the BRITs, as it’s a nice contrast to two hours of James Corden squeaking ‘HOW GREAT WAS THAT’ every time he saw so much as a napkin. By the time Turner was drunkenly waffling on about the hibernation patterns of swamp-dwelling rock ‘n’ roll, I did think maybe I wouldn’t have him round for a dinner party, but they provided the only acceptance speeches you could possibly remember of the night (unless you remember vividly how Ellie Goulding was GENUINELY not expecting this). I think they produce and perform decent songs, and although I don't think they deserved to win against the likes of David Bowie, if Bowie had won again we might have got Kate Moss on stage lecturing us about deregulating the banks.
You can always rely on Beyonce to bring class, and it made the rest of the ladies tonight comparably sound like jackets being zipped up. Greg James made the point that it really was just her wearing a spangly dress, but with a voice like that perhaps it is all you need. People call her Queen Bey which I think makes her sound like a gay auction site, but tonight she definitely brought the legend status (for those who fell asleep before Nile Rogers at the end).
Could have been written before this event. Last year he went down in flames, this year he thought that starting the show with the hilarious joke that his arm was on fire would save him. As it got extinguished and he started the show looking like someone had jizzed on his elbow, the nation collectively prepared themselves for two incredibly long hours. He probably overall did better than last year as I only broke two glasses by throwing them at the screen, but it was hard to choose which was worst: the terrible obsession with One Direction, the flirting with Kylie while she was wearing a dress made out of swimming caps, or the kiss with Nick Grimshaw? If twats were actually as large as these two you probably would need a swimming cap (good thinking Minogue.)
Dressed like Cleopatra if Cleopatra was a brand of 90s windbreakers. Sometimes I think Katy Perry can sing, and then I realise I’ve just been dazzled by her boobs and by the fact what I think is singing is just her getting louder. Tonight there was lots of dancing and colours so I wasn’t under her spell, and unfortunately it meant I could actually hear her. She later tried to redeem herself by doing an absolutely terrible fake British accent, which can only make me imagine how terrible a night at the Brand household might have been for guests.
“Ellie, do you think you can hit this drum? Very simply, just a hit, hit, hit..”
“WOOO eeeee YEAH! Can I have a huge drum? One that’s also super high pitched? I can drum all the parts. HIT hitty HIT hit hitty WOO eee YEAH!”
“Ellie, it’s just hit hit hit hit - why can’t you fucking drum Ellie?? Okay. We’ll have you wearing a bikini. Volume down on drum 4.”
It is too easy to bitch about these guys, but the BRITs need to stop giving One Direction airtime just so that girls on tumblr can make gifs about them and their marketing team can feel connected. They got two awards, a truly terrible video won Best Video (voted for on Twitter, it might not surprise you to know) and Global Breakthrough, which feels like the award the Nobel Peace Prize would give Hitler for just being ‘really really popular though.’