Fonsworth Bentley, former assistant to P. Diddy and professional pretty boy, had one shining moment in the music industry. He was the star of a music video that featured Andre 3000 and Kanye West.
“Everybody,” his solitary single, starts out backstage with Andre 3000 delivering a “this is our moment” pep talk. Kanye offers a stuttering complaint in an untraceable accent about leaving his old lady, which prompts a snappy retort by Andre 3000, in only the first of many moments in this video that these two geniuses must wish were never recorded on camera.
A white woman enters, and says “We’re ready for Colors?” which seems to be the name of the band, but the band is baffled! Why they’ve never heard something so outrageous in their entire life!
The white woman tries to clarify, by reading what she sees on the clipboard “C-O-L-O-U-R-S,” prompting the band to blurt in unison, “Cool Outrageous Lovers of Uniquely Raw Style!” in a tone that says, “Duh?! How could you be so square?! We are only the coolest up-and-coming group on the planet with a name that totally does not sound like something a group of forth graders huddled over a porno mag in a treehouse would call themselves!”
Confusion in this video begins with the song title and never ends. The word “everybody” only appears in harmonized form and is barely distinguishable, and furthermore has nothing to do with the song’s content. A more apt title would have been “Don’t Stop” which is basically the thesis of this song and clearly repeated several times. It’s just like, why?
The next bit of confusion comes from Andre 3000 who is inexplicably rocking an eyepatch that does not cover his eye. You know an accessory is a problem when 3 stacks, one of the top ten coolest dudes in human history, just barely pulls the look off.
Additionally their band looks like this and has two keyboards.
Moving on, Kanye actually does a decent job on the hook, it’s catchy, soulful, and within his vocal range, if a bit shallow and simple. In fact, Kanye shines on the track, but his role in this song is comparable to Kevin Durant being used as a corner three shooting role player on a perpetual cellar dweller.
Fonsworth kicks off the rapping and his verse features one of the grossest lines in rap history. And I quote, “I hope you ain’t hungry got mash but no gravy//But we can make some, the best of both juices,” which I take to mean that they are going have sex (mash) and make a gravy with their sexual fluids, which is now burned deep into my brain and has put me on a temporary gravy consumption hiatus. To his credit, Fonzo has some pretty dope moves, intercut with ridiculous close-ups of Andre 3000 who looks like Bill Clinton whilst he was receiving the BJ that nearly got him impeached.
Fonzy finishes his verse and the rest of C.O.L.O.U.R.S. joins him in a barbershop quintet formation. Andre 3000 drops a verse that is pretty good for most other rappers, but ranks fairly low in his history of work. For a man who got cold feet as a member of perhaps the greatest rap group of all time, he is startlingly committed to his role in this video. Seriously, how can Andre lay it all out for The Fonz in this heaping pile of garbage, and then sing “Hey Ya” with his back to the crowd at an event whose only parallel in hype would be the second coming of Christ? The man is an unravelable mystery.
However, you can barely hear 3000′s verse over the deafening noise of how terrible Kanye is at dancing. It’s tragic. Whereas ‘Ye was able to hide his stiff and disjointed moves while in the background, the transition has placed him front and center, and the results are gruesome.
‘Ye looks like the Kid in High School who tries out for the musical every year, despite his shocking lack of coordination, and is turned down time after time. Then in the final quarter of his senior year, the drama teacher takes pity on him and casts him in a backup part, knowing full well that she will regret the decision. Then during the performances, despite months of practice, the Kid is still one step behind and moves like he just discovered he had agency over his limbs. That is Kanye in this video. Not the musical God that I would sacrifice an infant lamb for, but a dweeb who gets pushed into lockers.
Furthering the madness, Kanye has a dance solo which starts with a shimmy and culminates with a leaping 360. I would love to see what the rejected versions of Kanye’s solo were. How many takes did they do? Did Kanye practice? Were these moves choreographed or improvised? Did they consider using a dancing stunt double? Does Kanye know dancing is not his strong suit? Does he care? Was this solo a part of his contract to do the video? What were the expressions on the crew members faces during this solo? Did the director just throw up his hands and say “Fuck It! Moving on!” after the thirteenth take? I predict I will spend many a sleepless night pondering these mysteries.
For the outro, the group launches into a choreographed routine featuring a move that looks like they are spinning in a circle as they are pumping up a bike tire. They exit the stage, after blowing a couple of kisses, leaving us with far more questions than answers, not the least of which is “Why does this exist?”