This is an extract from the excellent Letters of Not, by Dale Shaw. Available now at Amazon, also featuring Werner Herzog’s note to his cleaning lady. 

The most important thing to remember, and I can’t stress this enough, is to only have cocaine blown up your asshole as a last resort. If you are able to ingest cocaine by any of the traditional means then always do this first.

For ease of access and general comfort, I recommend wearing expansive, billowing, loose-fitting garments of the bohemian/‘sort of witch’ variety. Wide hems and medieval sized pleats are recommended. Try to avoid dungarees, capri pants or lycra cycling shorts. All tend to be overtly binding and restrictive.

Always allow a good chunk of time to have cocaine blown up your asshole. Around 45 minutes at the very least. It may sound straightforward but, let me tell you, complications have a tendency to arise.

Do not attempt to blow cocaine up your own asshole, no matter how supple you are. Also, do not attempt to employ any sort of homemade ‘machine’ to perform the procedure whilst alone.

Always use someone you trust to blow cocaine up your asshole. Don’t leave it in the hands of bus-boys, autograph hunters, passing salesmen, interns or Subway sandwich artists. Never NEVER use someone who has a score to settle with you. If abroad, try to find an English speaker (of whatever language is native to you). Attempting to conduct this via mime is practically impossible.

I suggest using straws from the following fast food outlets: Red Lobster, Sbarro’s, Jack in the Box, Wendy’s, In-N-Out Burger, Long John Silver’s, Panda Express, Jamba Juice, Applebees and Fuddrucker’s. Each have the structural integrity required.

7. Dispose of straws immediately. Do not reuse straws. Ever.

It’s best not to have cocaine blown up your asshole while outdoors. But sometimes you simply have no choice. If this is the case, use a dumpster, low wall or large, embroidered cape as a makeshift ‘windbreak’. This also provides some much needed privacy.

While having cocaine blown up your asshole, ensure you have a sturdy surface to grip. I actually had a ballet barre fitted in my home expressly for this purpose. Obviously this isn’t necessary for the casual proponent of cocaine being blown up the asshole, so a heavy chair or Edwardian (possibly Victorian) era armoire should suffice, though try to avoid using any from the Art Deco period or one with a mirror attached.

Once in the necessary position, it’s best to not to be too prescriptive to the functionary (or blower) when asking them to blow cocaine up your asshole, as this can produce unnecessary nerves. Ask them to conduct a few ‘test blows’ to make sure their technique is resolute. Make sure they don’t have asthma. Or pant unduly.

As you are having cocaine blown up your asshole, silence is the best option. Try to avoid witty asides such as ‘do you come here often’, ‘say hello to my little friend’ or ‘look, I’m winking at you’ It tends to add an additional level of coarseness to an already difficult situation.

After someone has blown cocaine up you asshole, a brief period of awkwardness is inevitable. Offer the functionary (or blower) a firm handshake and then distract them by raising a non-controversial topic of conversation such as sports, weather or the other members of Fleetwood Mac. Try not to hum or suddenly break into ‘Rhiannon’ as this can be unsettling. Then all there is left to do is adjust your large billowing skirt, give your armoire a quick wipe down and proceed with the rest of your day.