One night stands are by turns hot, embarrassing, thrilling, funny, rubbish and weird. You can end up having glorious, pole-axing pornstar sex with a person way above your station Similarly, you can finish your evening gently mopping the tears of the 20 year old you just awkwardly and unwittingly deflowered. (The latter is not a good place to be in, trust me...)
In-between there’s a plethora of ups, downs (literal), nearlys and nasties. With such a range of potential conclusions to your congress, it’s not always easy to know the correct way to behave before, during and after. With this in mind, here’s 15 fail-safe tips to getting it right on the first and only night…
1. Think ahead. If you are staying at hers, have a pre-determined exit excuse for the morning. My favourite is "I'm baby-sitting my nephews." (This has the associated benefit of making me appear relatively sensitive and responsible)
The ideal place to make your excuse is in the cab, presuming you aren’t scaling the bases in the back. The same goes if she’s at yours. The right and proper time to tell her she has to leave by, is 11am. If by some glorious twang of Cupid’s arrow you actually want her to stay later than the pre-allotted exit time, just tell her you made up the excuse.
2. Offer breakfast (they generally refuse). You will appear civilised, which will balance out that thing you asked her to do 6 hours ago.
3. Never jizz in her hair.
4. Avoid interaction with housemates/parents/pets. She doesn’t want you to meet them. Her coming out of the bathroom to find you rolling around on her landing floor nuzzling her dog’s belly and calling it a “fuzzy-wuzzy wuv dog” is not an acceptable form of foreplay.
5. Do not be shy in raising the question of going ‘back there’. It’s a one night stand: practically anything goes. However, do not raise that question - whether it be in the form of an actual question or a more physical form of probing - more than twice. You will seem/actually be rape-y. The same goes for spanking and/or choking.
6. Girls: If you knew what I knew you’d have absolutely no intention of slipping me a digit.
7. Be nice, for God’s sake be nice. Don’t be creepy, don’t go through her drawers, don’t turn on her laptop without asking first, don’t talk about your mum, don’t jump out from behind her bedroom door when she walks back in after her post-shag piss.
8. If you are being set up on a blind date on a weekend, you have an approximate 60% chance of having sex. If you are drinking tequilas by 10pm, this chance rises to nearer 97%.
9. If you are on drugs/exceptionally drunk, it will be deemed just-about-acceptable to have difficulty in maintaining/achieving an erection. However, you simply must come through in the morning. If you don’t you will a) leave with balls the size of Exeter and b) always be ‘that guy’ between her and her friends. You may not think this matters and that you can get away with telling your mates everything worked like c(l)ockwork but Facebook dictates that the world is much smaller place, especially for women with funny stories for mutual friends about guys they know who are feckless limpos.
10. If you are given a phone number the next morning, for God’s sake don’t test it in front of him/her. If you’ve been fake numbered, finding this out with the person in the room is almost as embarrassing as that time your mates found that bottle of fake tan in your room. (I get pale in winter, okay?)
11. Giving a fake name is also pretty dire. The same goes for lying about your job (a little exaggeration of the latter is virtually expected, however).
12. If we’re in a bar and I’m buying you a drink, I definitely want to have sex with you. Ditto asking you about the book you’re reading, or complimenting any item of clothing you’re wearing. I am generally a reasonably nice person, but in either of these cases I am 100% not doing it “just to be nice.”
13. Come now, we’re never going to see each other again. By all means turn your main light off, but let’s stick that lamp on eh? One: it’s much, much hotter to see the other person. Two: if you don’t I’m going to be poking around like a carrot in a cabbage patch. Give me a chance.
14. When you think about it, forgetting someone’s name is quite funny. You’ve allowed this person being to engage in the most intimate act available to homo sapiens, and four hours later they can’t remember if you’re called Kevin or Karen. Get over yourself. And if you’re not completely sure, ask. I know how drunk you were, who do you think bought you all those Jagerbombs?
15. Condoms are everyone's friend.