5 Dead Kings I'd Like To Shag

I mean, sometimes you just want to be with a real man (who is also the ex-King of England and has been dead for 466 years), you know?
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"Where have all the good men gone?!" I hear you cry. I'll tell ya where, medieval England, that's where they've gone. And frustratingly, technology was far from happening at the time (give them a break, they were busy dying of plague and pillaging one another) so we've only got some oil paintings by which to make important judgements on these men, such as: would you shag them? But never fear, with some finely tuned imagination, I managed to get off on history.

Seriously, it's hard to imagine that these paintings of men that we're presented with throughout our historical education, were actual living, breathing men. That picture of Henry VIII above, for example, makes him look like some kind of human Bagpuss with rubbish eyebrows rather than a bloke who created an entire new religion just because he wanted to dump his bird.

Maybe next time you're in London, bugger off buying Heat for the free poster of Brad Pitt, and get your arse over to the Tower of London to check out Henry's codpiece. It's an interesting/sexy thought that at one point in time, these blokes were some of the most powerful people in the world, don't you think?

So, after drooling over King Edward IV in The White Queen, I figured it was time to embark on a stalking mission unlike any other - to plunder the pages of Wikipedia, deep into historical England, so I could have a gander at the real McCoy.


Now, the oil painting of Edward I found on Wikipedia wasn't what I imagined... It didn't quite match up to the ridiculously fit actor, Max Irons out of The White Queen.

But I was not disheartened: there was sure to be a bevvy of hot royals under Westminster Abbey who were just waiting to be perved on. And sure enough, here are a plethora of historical hotties (besides my now ex-fantasy, Edward) listed alongside personal attributes such as how many women they were shagging and what they died of (both important factors). This was a somewhat different experience to match.com or OkCupid, as none of the men on there could boast winning battles, signing treaties or fathering King Henry VIII.


Right at the beginning of the official Kings of England we have Aethelstan. Paintings of Anne Boleyn are practically 1080HD compared to paintings of Aethelstan. It's pretty hard to judge whether he was fit or not so I'll just throw it out there and say, I probably would. I'd either have no choice and be killed if I didn't bonk the king or do it to get some glory. I'm no historian (shock) but I'm guessing times were hard and plague was rife so the poor guy probably deserves a little something (at least a blowjob). So we'll say yes to Aethelstan and move on to the next potential royal hunk.

Men who succeeded the throne afterwards involved names such as 'Edgar the Peaceful' and 'Aethelred the Unready'. Now don't get me wrong, I (obviously) like a title with my monarch, but given the fact these guys ruled the land, you'd think they'd go for something a bit more fruity, for example, 'Harold the Well- Hung' or 'Pete the Pussy- Hunter'.


Now, Richard III however could have given Pattinson a run for his money with his lovely head of hair and some wonderful cheek bones (although Rob darling, if you do want my number, I am still interested, Richard's been out of the picture for a few centuries now). Ah yes, I can imagine it now - wearing a gown made by mice (blame Disney) and the King feeding me grapes whilst our jester plays Greensleeves (my fave 16th century jam) on the Flindaloo. The Flindaloo instrument was invented purely for the purpose of this article and is not actually in existence, but hey, it's my fantasy.


On second thoughts maybe Richard wouldn't be my first choice. He didn't reign for very long, and then was fantastically defeated by the gloriously wild Henry VII (oh I'm so fickle! But I love a man with power and murdering some geezer so that you can RULE A COUNTRY is pretty powerful). So yeah I'd probably change my loyalty to the Tudors, plus during history class you could be like, "Oh yeah check out who I'm hooking up with via the index reference and glossary of your text book" - none of this Facebook stalking nonsense.

I dunno why King Henry VIII had so many wives, maybe it's a personal thing but he was quite a stocky bloke. Anyway, assuming eternal youth and beauty, I'd probably not bother with him. I mean, I might stick around as a mistress (would make a good story) but there was honestly too much competition and I'd probably end up beheaded (for lusting after his ancestors, no doubt).

The House of Stewart had a few suitors however AND they were the last official 'English' monarchs (England then became Britain and Scotland inherited our monarchy, therefore we see the beginning of British monarchs). I think I'll stop there, though. I'd be a bit worn out having just shagged my way through a few hundred years worth of monarchs.

I think this ambition has stemmed from never being a bridesmaid as a little girl, combined with old school Disney. All I want, is to wear a fucking crown and look like a goddamn princess. Considering the logic, it actually makes sense in one's life - marry one of these dudes and you're the Queen of bloody England. It would be the trump card in any conversation when boasting about other halves.

Gina: 'Adam's really great, he takes me out for dinner just to show he loves me. Sometimes he'll ring, just to say 'I love you''

Me: 'Henry is the King and I am the Queen'.